Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Nov 12- Nov 20…………..



Well, Its been a while since I blogged and I know I promised last week that I would actually blog and actually add numbers to my phone….. I have failed you all! Really I have!!
So…………
Nac trip 1
Monday Nov 12th.. went to the clinic for normal nst testing……. Daniel refused to cooperate for the monitoring so we ended up heading to the hospital around noon…… then had to fight with them to get them to go faster …. apparently a.s.a.p. does not mean anything to them!! so starting at noon it was hell………….  had an ultra sound after being checked in them had to walk to L & D then was monitored there were the nurse just gave up and held the monitor on him for 20 mins………… was stuck there till almost 5 due to them delivering a baby ………. not mine but someone else's LOLOL……… then finally released and send home……..  Did find out that it meant I was not needed to come back on Thursday for monitoring after heading to Galveston on Wednesday…….. weight loss of 1.5 lbs…..(yay right?!?!?!)

Galveston…………………….
WE  woke and left around 5 am…… Not too bad.. thinking we would hit a ton of traffic…… well……. We missed it…. Yay! But…… we were also 3 hrs early!!!!!!! drove around bored for about 2 then decided we were going to go to our OBGYN appt early…..  which they took me back about 30 mins early……
got weighed in. another loss of about 1.5 lbs……(I was getting excited now!!!)
got vitals done then got moved from that room to another… they were gonna get him on the NST ……………so they thought…….. well My baby boy Daniel Reason has now been dubbed Ninja baby! =) he is so active!!! Which they LOVEEEEE but he does NOT want to cooperate on an NST for nothing!!! SO…… after idk how many mins they decided I was going to be rushed to the level 2 ultrasound earlier……. (appt was at 1130 for dr and 3 for u/s) this was bout noon now…… so many hr in drs office with them trying to get him to behave…… Oh and let me make you mamas jealous.. UTMB has a great habit of having “recliners” for you to take your NST in!! OMGGG sooooo comfortable!!!
SO, from 7th floor to 3rd floor we went(after sneaking in a quit bite of a sammy and some pork rinds…. I was a starving diabetic!!!!!!)  well Good news is……. There is NOTHING wrong or showing up with the ventricles in his brain!!!!!!! PRAISES BE TO GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!! I cried when she said that!!!!!!! NOTHING WRONG!!!  Shocker was…………. His estimated weight is 7 lbs 14 oz………. 8 freaking lbs!!!!! at 32 weeks 6 days!!!! Is this possible!!!! OMG!!!!!!!  
From there due to drs previous orders I was sent for monitoring at L&D……… soo……….. so back in the van drive around the building (it was so much easier than having to be wheeled…….) on elevator up to another floor and walk around the corner…… well we get there im put on nst…… he kind of behaves for them….. then its swab swab swab………….
swabbed for the stds……. swabbed for the normal swab at 36 weeks to see if I need the antibiotics( cant remember what the test is yall sorry!)  swabbed for UTI…..swabbed for a few more things too…… then checked my cervix…..  still high and closed and firm etc.. NO changes.  yay and boo. LOL!!!  so they tried to keep me… yeah right…… why did they want to ?? to monitor and control my sugars!! HELL NO!!!! I ended up signing out AMA cause that lil dr was STUPID……………. she said they wouldn’t touch Daniel or take him out util 39 weeks no matter what. yeah right!!!!!!!!!!!!  she thinks is my sugar causing all the issues.. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!  anyways…. so AMA I signed and home I came again jiggity jig.
Friday……….
I know most of you know from statues that a niece of ours passed away Friday…….  well the was hit by a car…… she was walking very close to their house with a friend of hers…… Ash was only 12 years old…… a sweet angel!!! 1 of two of the most accepting people on that side of the family….. Darling angel will totally be missed….. but I believe all the “drama “ and “stresses” from this is what led to last night’s ER run….

So……. after much debating cause my head was splitting and eyes hurting etc.. I sent Keith to find a blood pressure cuff again….. a good friend said we should check and see… well I was 170’s/ 90’s the first time…. then I decided to try and lay down… it still steadily rose to about 182/110……….. Keith went to pick up ma, who came to stay with the boys a dear friend of his said we should  get me to a hospital and that they would give us gas money.. to get there and back… ( we were low on funds and very low on gas…. thanks to what seems like a battle to get unemployment….)
Well, we got the gas and we headed to nac. first BP there was 160’s over 90’s….. still not good…..  they went on and sent me up to L&D for monitoring….. oh and I also found out that….. I gained 9 freaking lbs since Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!! *cries*
so L & d we went… Monitor monitor monitor…… yupp I should be so used to this….. they measured my fundus…. 53 weeks is what I am measuring now…. but that one stupid dr didn’t want to touch baby. HA! he’s gonna be coming on his own eventually you stupid heads !!!!  and the nurse last night looked shocked they didn’t start steroids…… so they did a bunch of swabs, cathed me after  a urine sample turned out having blood…. I do have a UTI now, started pills for that while there, my will you deliver prematurely with in two weeks came back negative……etc…..  so…… few contractions on the screen and when I get em they are good ones.. but not in a “order” so I should still be safe….  Daniel did wonderful for this nurse!!! I’m so sad she’s in nac and not on the island, which come to find out after all the chatting we did all night. she is from the island and use to work there =) she was amazing!! anyways… longer story short…… I'm technically supposed to just lay around on my side.. trying to keep bp down…… and do noting more… but they didn’t state bed rest…………… so back home again this morning….. well after noon……LOL. I'm so tired and exhausted and worn out………
OH and guess what? why you fools are all fighting over goods and electronics and stuff that the day before you were so grateful for all you had……… but Friday you need more……. I will be fighting too……… for black Friday NST and BBS(??) and I believe more blood work and stuff…… just all in a hospital……. I get to participate in a hospital black Friday Winking smile Ain’t I fun!
Oh and speaking of labs………….. They did take about 7 vials of blood and ran a ton of labs….. seems everything is ok…… (as a separate) but as a whole its more worry some shows how im very high risk. =(   and I might be with in normal ranges of stuff but lots of it is so border line being either too high or too low…. it was very worry some…… like….. the PE symptoms…….. are more like HELLP symptoms like the one lady from FB said to look for!!!  cause ,my WBC count is def low….. well not low low but on the very low side of “normal” spectrum……… see wasn’t my nursey a blast last night??? she told me everything…… and its cause of her I got to stay and be watched. =))
So home now……… Go back to Hosp on Friday… then I believe back to clinic on Monday………. trying to remember to keep yall all updated…………… promise!!!
Love,
Jessica and Lil D

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Eenie-Meenie-Minie-Mo…..

 

When Will Daniel come and let me hold…. I guess we’ll never know ;)

This is what Kind of runs through my head on a daily basis  now…………. When will this child come!?!?!?!!  *SIGH!* I know No matter what any dr says.. He will be premature… I could almost bet on it…. And more so now because… Lets compare

31 weeks…………………………………… 32 weeks……………..
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Look a little different???????????????  YEAH!!!!!!!!! I have dropped! !!!!! AND…. When I started dropping with the twins.. I had maybe  a week left in me…… When it was a drastic drop like this!!!!
SO……….. It’s the wait and see game for sure now!!!

Left this morning with Boys staying with their Gigi…….. and Keifer and I on our way to nac…… Arrived there on time… got looks of disapproval for not having the twin Spider monkeys with us……………
SO……… Did my urine, did my weigh in….. still about the same. guess its good I didn’t gain 7 lbs in like 2 days!!!!!!

went to the room to get monitored……

Was on the Nst for a while…. Love hearing his beautiful heart beat……. Gives me a lil sense of serenity……Then I met a midwife……… which has me at the conclusion……… I don’t like mid wifes!!!!!!!!!!  *crosses arms and pouts* If I heard one more time out of her mouth every pregnancy is different…… I was gonna give her an upper cut………….. and if it wasn’t that.. it was well Twins come early…… really? really? you think? would you actually like to talk to half the women I have “met” that have gone to 40 weeks and BEYOND with twins……..????????????? Yes it happens……MOREEEEEE than anyone would ever think…….. That just made me want to hit her with a frying pan………..
Then it was….. Well  its normal. you gain. really? WTF USB…… Its normal for a person to gain freaking 7 lbs in a week???? twice??? and a previous 10 lbs before that??? for a high risk clinic to not want to touch me and send me here where I feel I am getting no answers?!?!?!!  They better be Glad the WRATH OF MELIPET Didn’t come down on them like the “strong arm” (haha I hate those commercials)
I mean being huge is just what I wanted to achieve during my singleton pregnancy…… all the signs and symptoms of preeclampsia…  Yah know all the things I DIDN’T DO during my Multiple pregnancy!!!!  Are happening now! Im BIGGER AND FATTER AND WIDER AND MORE MOODY… I hurt more and ache more and cry more and want to punch people more……
I measure ahead just like I did with them…… But now…… Its worse… its more issues, more complications, more more more……. but Can I get a straight answer????? HELLS TO THE NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry ya‘ll I’m beyond frustrated!!!!  I am at my limit!!!! Only thing is that Today I reached 32 weeks……… Today I am scheduled for Galveston to see the WOMAN behind the curtain……. Marlo…… Who will hopefully have answers or do something with Daniel and I!!!!! that is scheduled for 11:30 am……. Then if we make it out of there…  at 3 at the latest I have another level two ultra sound.. *sigh* I know my lil man needs to bake more…… I know this…… I have already had preemies……… I did not expect to have another……  Its not something I would even wish on my worst enemy!!!!! 

 

These are some of the things listed in this pic that are possible and that people go through…… and we went through our fair share just with Gabriel and Ezekiel………. Now, I wonder and ponder and worry, and fret and stress over what will come with Daniel………….

 

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And all that plus some is running through my head……………
But all I keep thinking is I have a feeling if they would shut up and look at me and Daniel…. They would see its truly best for both of us if he was to arrive here sooner than later………. I really think My body is not doing good for him and hes not doing so great for my body at this point…….

Things are just not what they are supposed to be…… its just not right at the moment. SO, Praying hard they find and see what they need to Come Wednesday…… I’d be at 32w6d……. Literally 1 week 6 days shy of what I did make it to with the twins………
But we need answers…… WE need something that will help us move forward…… Not just be stuck and not know a single thing…… My sugars are still not good…… Its……. just not a good rollercoaster for his first ride =(
I’ll attempt to blog tomorrow about some Good things in my life….. and about a NEW bucket list I have created… 

Ya’ll all have a good night!
love,
Jessica and Daniel

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Waiting for my Heaven on Earth…..

 

I was sitting here trying to think of witty titles….. and interesting quotes….. being that I don’t hold those cute things in my head……. Now my brother on the other hand…. he has always been able to come up with witty and “nonsensical” things… that will just always make you either stop and ponder or just stop and laugh at how funny or cute it is……. He would rock at things like jeopardy I'm sure! You give him a book and then its in his head….. never fails….

So I came up with this one……………

“The family is a haven in a heartless world.”
- Attributed to Christopher Lasch

 

Sock-Monkey-Family

This would be us…… (well the closest I could find HAHAHAHA)

So, I have been Storing up energy…… AS IF THAT’S POSSIBLE!!! Really I have been sleeping so much and so grateful for a Husband that has had time to step up and Take over so I can……. But yesterday Im sure you all know was a Doctors appointment day…………..

Got there a few mins late with Twins in hand also….. They rushed us back to the “big room” Accepting the twins with out a hesitation………..

Dr was very shocked…… in all honesty that I had not had Daniel…… She really felt in her heart also that they were going to take him. She was so apologetic for How things turned out when I was on the floor for them making me feel like I must be crazy………. She was shocked they did NOT want to do the steroid shots…… and pretty much still says…… it’s a week by week( or im thinking a Tuesday by Thursday) wait……  SO really its coming down to…….. Daniel Reason will come in is own time ……. (unless other wise stated) and she's pretty sure like me that we wont make it to December……….

My BP was still elevated……. Ive gained another 6+ lbs…… that must be fluids….. sugars are still not that great…… Its just a battle of My body vs Daniel……. and God protecting both of us…….. SO………..

Im Waiting On my heaven on earth to arrive…… to be able to hold him and love him and to bring him home when the Lord is ready for us to have him…… Im so anxious and ready and willing……. Some days I just don’t think my body can take much more…… the pain is becoming unbearable…… I know it’s the fluid in my body……… and the weight that is making it this way……… Sad to say I was more comfortable in the Twinks pregnancy….. than I am at the moment… Im also heavier and gaining more and more  than I was when I checked in to deliver Gabers and Zekers……  The stress of not knowing if we will make it another day……. Of not knowing if im gonna have to wake the boys, and head to a hospital in the middle of the night with the help of my adoring husband….  Of not knowing when or where or how or why…….. BTW if you cant tell………. I swear I am a  major control freak!!!!!!!!!!

Its adding stress to our marriage…….. We still talk and communicate but in all honestly since I'm blatantly honest in my blogs…. like I told the Dr yesterday……. WE are both to scared to even be intimate …..  Fearing that it could cause more problems….. and we have felt like this for months…..  I'm so puffy, NO matter how cute or sweet or loving or caring he is……. I feel like shamu’s older bigger sister…… Shamu ain’t got nothing on this whale!!!! Even when we do talk….. its still like we are trying to avoid some of our major feelings……. we both still fear me or Daniel or both of us NOT coming home….

We have come to the conclusion….. Unless we make it to Aunt Louise’s (really great aunt Louise’s) for Thanksgiving…… We will not be celebrating thanksgiving…….. We might get a tree up for Christmas…. but then again….. we might not….. The boys will Not have presents from us ……making us both feel like failures and lousy parents…….. But….. we are having to prepare for the worst…. worst being a funeral of any sorts……. next in line is tons of driving back and forth to the island when we can to see Baby D……..  and thinking of what all we might need for baby D when he arrives that medical ins might not cover or we might have to cover parts of…….. *sigh* It’s a never ending thing……….

Yes I know “the twins are young, They wont remember these holidays…….. Halloween wasn’t a biggie……. thanksgiving isn't a biggie…… they wont remember their Christmas’ they aren't even two” But in all honestly….. That’s not even the point…… The point is that I want my children to want for nothing and need nothing…… will they have everything they ever want.. HECK NO! I'm not a spoil the child person…… I want them to know the value of a dollar….. to understand money does not grow on trees. to grow up like I did Giving up holidays to actually give to others……….

I remember one day my mom and grandmother and father came home… our Blazer(or bronco I cant remember which) was loaded down with presents…. all wrapped for Christmas…… My brother and I came out side and they told us to Pick ONE present….. So we did….. I believe mine was a jewelry box…. one with that lil ballerina in it…… and I asked what were the rest for….. They told me we had 2 Full cooked Christmas dinners that mom made…….. and all these presents we were going to load up in the vehicle and go and deliver to families they were needy…….. I thought wow….. even as a kid I totally understood…….. I want that for our boys….. for them to understand….. but at the same rate……….. They are babies!!!! They have no clue….. SO if I am home …. I know in my heart I will be so sad and so upset for them not having a Christmas……….  Hopefully they can have all of us home at the least…. other wise…… I know I will be in total tears………

 

I know I'm such a chipper person……. I swear I'm a lot more up beat when I am not having to worry about every single thing that happens during a pregnancy of mine……. Oh and also found out today after talking to TONS of NICU parents….. that I should ask the dr about HELLP syndrome…….. and that I'm pretty sure part of the problem with Gabe and Zeke not just that it was twins like everyone wants to say but that it was PROM…. symptoms…… and  that actually leads more so to the problems I am currently having……

Oh and in order to make sure we are cutting back on ALL cost for the heck of it to make sure we have plenty “extra” for what may comes…  WE have let our Tmobile cell phones go…… And we as of now have ONE  Go phone (att)  that we will be using.. figure since I have a home phone… he can call if he is away…. and if we are traveling we will have the one line…. and if I am hospitalized he will still have a way to get ahold of me by calling the hospital room………….SO IF you my peeps need our number……. PM or something….. and we will get it to you…… its unlimited everything and a heck of a lot cheaper than a plan!!!!! Go us for getting smart for once!

Well, Im outta here for now….. Have dr’s appointment in the am at 930……….. and my Level two was rescheduled for Wednesday the 14th at 3 so that I can possible see dr marlo on the same day……. WOOHOO…… Aint my life just as exciting as a barrel of monkeys!!! =))

Love to you all and thanks always for what prayers you say for us!!!!

Good night my peeps!

Jessica and Daniel……….

Monday, November 5, 2012

Like a batter with his third strike……… He’s outta there!!!!

So……….. Since being back…….. I have had non stop contractions that just get harder and harder….. but NO I have not and will not go to a dang hospital…………….

Oh and I was losing parts of my mucus plug while in the hospital but they looked at me like I was crazy…..mmm k yeah I didn’t have a child naturally before with out having to have my water broken or my membranes stripped (not saying I'm better just stating the facts!!!)

SO, Now last night I was freaking big time It seemed no matter what I did I could not get him to talk and be chatty with me(ie bump kick hit flip) I did everything even ate real ice cream.. finally I got in the bath tub and he said HI MAMA!!!!!! =) lil stinker!  so things that have been freaking me out… I have no energy.. been sleeping as much as my dear honey would let me.so for three days all I have wanted to do, or all I have done is sleep…….. And its kind of scary….. I already am pretty sure I have dropped.. quite a bit…… today we were noticing it looks like he went from being transverse last Tuesday to being head down today……. I swear I have been feeling his lil hands down there trying to bust out and wave saying hi world!!!!!  Im prepared and totally unprepared……………

How do you prepare your self knowing your about to have 4 men(3 littles) in your house?!?!?! How do you really honestly prepare to have a new born and two toddlers!?!?!?!?! I can NOT wrap my mind around it……

 

                          WP_000823

I tried having the swing and stuff out for the boys to get use to………………………  But really its just making them mad they cant touch and play with it!!!

ANd all I have been thinking is that One day I will walk out this door…. kissing three men….. and come back with 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and to think I thought that this was perfection!!!!!!!!!!
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So…… In all honesty……. I have not been handling things well at all lately…. I'm so tired… so frustrated by not getting real answers from the drs down at UTMB (which I stand by is a great place) But I know I have preeclampsia!!!! but they just do not want to admit it!!! I have every sign and symptom of preterm labor……. but they think its crazy to have a singleton and have preterm. (have they met half the ppl in my nicu pages?!?!?! NO!!!!!!!!) Im so beyond worried, I know I need to be packing a bag right now for the unknown of what might come tomorrow at the drs appointment……. *sigh*  The twinks know something is up….. they have been so unruly so crazy and wild and crying and screaming.. Im so frustrated (yes this is a first I have ever said that so don’t faint!) but its because Im not supposed to carry them.. or pick them up….. I cant console them like I want to and feel like I should!!!!! Its making me feel crappy and worthless as their mother!!! especially when even standing and cooking or trying to do laundry or what ever is making me have contractions!!! I am honestly so dang depressed, all I want to do is cry but all that does is make me hurt more….. Im not sure how it can be that I physically hurt more with my singleton pregnancy that I did with my twins!!! Its Unbelievable!!!! for real!! I sit here trying to enjoy every moment he is in me knowing…… this is the last time I will ever be pregnant…… This is the last time I will feel like I am helping God really work a miracle…. Creating a lil life a lil man from whose image is mine and Keith's and Gods!!!!! I try to cherish every flip or kick or punch…… and I still just want to break down and cry every 5 mins cause something or everything or nothing is going right/wrong!!!!!  I know this baby boy needs to keep baking but Im not sure I can physically take it any longer or that my body can  I cry with every movement……. yet I am still so head strong I am still getting ticked off at keith for taking over and doing everything I cant……… I feel helpless and hopeless…… and as far as all else in our life……. its depressing as hell too……… I can not tell a lie

Hes looking at selling his truck…… which means a 1 vehicle family….. NOT COOL! not cool when I will have check ups Daniel will and we have dentist and drs appointments to catch up on with the twins….. and knowing he will have to find a job… I get that he is trying to provide for our family one way or another………

oh yeah ya’ll btw…. he’s been fired if I didn’t out right let that out……. and honestly I don’t think it has anything to do with is working and being a great worker…. but I think it had to do with me and a high risk pregnancy they they didn’t want to deal with at all!!!!

and if he did try to go find a job now….. how the heck would I get back and forth to Nac every Tuesday and Thursday knowing I'm not allowed to drive?!?!?!  and if we have one vehicle…. it’s the same predicament……. then its we will never be able to afford 2nd vehicle again…………. AND im mad!!I BOUGHT THIS TRUCK FOR HIM WITH HIM (its also in my name LOL) HE saw it wanted it and we made it happen…………. Can you tell im not a happy wifey about his want to be decision?!?!?!?!

and if he gets a job?!?!?! then what??? if its now…. he will not be able to be here when baby comes… or help me after……. since I have the option to birth either way but I am choosing the best way for me……. I wont be able to lift the boys……… UGH!!! still!!!!!

Ok I think im just gonna have to give all this a rest here at the moment. I know I need to get to bed for our 930 appt tomorrow morning……. love to you all…………..

Jessica and Daniel…

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……… 31 weeks

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Trusting in our Lord…..

Some times you learn something from the most unusual…….. or for us the most usual.. place ever.

We are a huge veggie tales family!!! I have adored them since my niece was in diapers!!!!

Anyways we received the incredible league of extraordinary vegetables………… and the verse it ends with is this……………………..

Psalm-56-3-4-web

Psalm 56:3 being the part they emphasized…… 

When I am afraid I will trust in YOU…

And here we are…… Worrying…….. Keith is beside his self worried that he will not only lose Daniel Reason, but Lose me too…….. He opens up a lil at a time about it……. and Im glad but I wish there was something I my self could do to soothe his soul.  We have really been trying to cherish the moments we have together and with the twins….. which is hard… cause as any real family and real person will admit in the midst of adversity……… in the midst of the storm…. is when its hard to stand firm… to stand tall…….. There are so many moments I want to just throw my hands up in the air and scream “Serenity NOW” (from Seinfeld ;D )

So……………….

October 30th we had an appointment in Nacogdoches…… again to check on Daniel and I , Our Tuesday appointments were to see the dr and to get an NST done………. well….. I gained 8 lbs from Friday to Tuesday……  my blood pressure was up….. my urine was full of protein.. it ended up me on the NST waiting to hear back from a dr Marlo in Galveston…. who said we were to get down there asap and I was being admitted…………..

OHHH Joy…… so an hr drive home……. then pack.. then 5 hrs plus down to Galveston…… needless to say we hit traffic every direction we went!!! so we get there I get asked a million times why are you here…. well hello stupidos!!!!!!! you told me to come I didn’t request to come!!! finally was put in L&d from, about 6 til 3 am……. no food no water…. tons of contractions……  well at 3 am they gave me food wrong doses of meds… then sent me to the floor… so from 2nd floor (ER) to third floor L&D to 6th floor…..

well they started pushing IV’s and giving me meds started a 24 hr urine…… some how come Thursday morning they decided all blood work all urine etc was perfectly normal.. yet….. contractions still here…..  they finally let me go home …… we were back in Crockett around 515pm……… all I wanted to do was hold my babies and cry………. I hate I missed their Halloween……. hate hate hate……. no really I do……….lol.

I have been so emotional and so down and depressed for missing a holiday…. something that might not of been important to them. but it sure was me……. enough to over spend on the cutest Disney store costumes ever……. enough to have been so excited when they wanted to wear them the moment they came in and they did NOT want to take them off………..

anyways… So….. We made it to 31 weeks…… yay…….. and are at home…… still baking still contracting………. blog again later on another day……

 

J & D

Thursday, October 25, 2012

UTMB Galveston---- slightly reassuring….. But nothing solid….


Well, As you all Know Tuesday we left to head down to Galveston Island……..  Trip took what seemed like forever, even though really it was not as long as it even felt.  The whole way down we tried to distract out selves…. Talk about what we could…Listened to “our” radio station from teen years… Tried to almost avoid the Daniel subject as much as possible…  Not that Daniel is ever an untouchable subject… but every time I would move uncomfortably, or  touch my HUGE preggo belly…… My Dear hubby would look at me with concern and be questioning if I was ok, if something was wrong…  Then we would both just about burst into tears knowing we honestly do not know a true answer to that.  Our guts have no clue, We are over thinking every single thing….  Then……. We saw water!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! we were crossing over the bridge.. and able to see (well tried to see cause it was pitch black )  I have to say I did extremely well on the drive down  only 2 restroom breaks!!! With the twins just leaving home and making it to Houston was a triumph if I did not have to stop more than 6 times!!!  =)
So, We decided to find The Residence first……. Once we located that….  we tried to find the hospital but we turned wrong leaving the parking area then just decided that it was much more feasible if we just tried to do that during the day light hours anyways. So we headed back to The Residence checked in got shown to our room, grabbed out luggage and food and went into the room…..
Tried to sleep…. which Did not work for me.  We turned the lights and tv all off at about 1145 ad come 145/2 am I was awake and couldn’t sleep. Very grateful to my Jennjenn and her grave yard shift hrs…. cause she kept me company with tons of text!!!!
So….. I anxiously awaited  9 am……
Once about 830 came we ran out of the room all luggage packed,  turned in the key and jumped in the swagger wagon.. and headed to find the parking lot….. and the UTMB clinic…….
And it took an ACT of GOD!!!! Roads closed apparently some kind of popo training was going on! BLAH!  When we finally got there we had mins to find the building and get to the floor and appt.
Signed in at 857 at the Obgyn clinic on the third floor, then it was a short wait…. We first met with a lovely older lady (in a wheel chair ) who was so sweet and polite.  She asked if it was ok that she had a dr in training with her which it was. We followed her to her office and then preceded to sit down and wait scared stiff as to what was to come…….. She re introduced her self..(no sorry peeps I can NOT remember a single name of a single person sorry)
Stated that she was the genetic counselor and asked if we knew why we were there…. Which is when I stated to a point… I have not really received answers from most my questions in months, but I do understand I asked to come here and to get a level two ultrasound done to look at my baby boys organs and growth to check on him due to my diabetes and my very nervous, worried and concerned self. She applauded me  =)
Asked us several questions about our health and habits and then preceded to do family trees on both of us up to great grand parents…… and down to our children. over to our uncles/aunts… and down to their kids, and then our siblings and their children……. needing to know mental and physical health as well as if they passed on what was the cause and the ages…… Then after looking over all her drawings(which was really cool a male  or female on my side had different shapes than the males and females on my husbands side. really it was interesting I guess you just had to be there ;D haha ) She flipped open two books, One showing options,   amniocentesis Which can tell us 99% accurately if things are wrong….. But of course can lead to fetal demise…. Preterm labor, leaking of amniotic fluids…….. and so on……….. or The level two ultra sound which is approximately 95-96 % accurate…… and told us that of course it is our choice….. Well With out my husbands consent (Mainly because we feel totally the same on many of these items) I stated that unless it became totally medically necessary for the amniocentesis….. I would prefer to decline that…. and that I would really need them stating at that time that it was the one and only way for us to get an answer to know how to begin treatments or something…… that it would have to be the only choice and last resort….. That even though I know Daniel ( I made sure to say it as often as I could his name I mean) was at a gestational age that was a sign he could live and be normal…… I was not prepared in any way to add any extra risk to him and my self at this time. That we would rather just spend time with the ultrasound tech. To which she replied that’s fine, Its not like an amnio would make a difference at this point any ways cant do anything about it. And then I responded with that is why I refuse the options for those and blood test and stuff from the get go…. I would NEVER choose to terminate my pregnancy…… EVER!!!!!! She smiled. (I liked that.) also loved how the Med student’s face was like Oh wow they are going to have their hands full when he learned that we have two amazing 20 month old twin boys and that Daniel is a boy also…… HEHE I love that look now…. the saying I hate….. cause it’s a lie and people will never understand …. SO….. then she told us that it would be about 35-45 mins doing this ultra sound  and told me from the 2nd binder…… that due to the diabetes I have a higher risk more like a 1/15 to have a down syndrome baby…… and that they would be looking for that as well as looking for spina bifida…… So…. With that… we were sat back out in the waiting room to  wait for our ultrasound…….
The ultrasound………….
First Lets have a beatiful shot….MAHANAYJESSICA20121024103440662
Meet Daniel Reason Mahanay…………..
Whom I might add…… Un to his Father’s admitting until yesterday…… is also still Daniel! and is still 100% boy!!!!MAHANAYJESSICA20121024102120571
=) I kept joking with him for a while that if it came out and did not have a “winkie” I was sending it back for a full refund!!! He is now finally able to stand there and say Im having a boy!!! =) Im glad cause if he would of kept on I would of smacked him! LOLOL (totally a joke!!!)
So………. IT took a whole hr for the tech to even get the first pic!!! He was such a wiggly worm and jumping bean that she was lucky to get the good shots she did! But She was also very amazing!!!!!
She literally spend a whole hr looking for his arms and legs and lengths in those and measuring his skull, and looking for hands and feet when he would hold still! HAHA She constantly talked to him saying good baby… Baby roll a lil this way for me…. or that way…. and come on baby please cooperate…….. It was too cute!!! And the set up was very nice! The screen that was hers… was all hers none of this break your neck to see what she sees stuff…… I had my own screen directly in front of me on the wall….. But with each sigh, or deep breath…. I was trying my best to not cry and choke back tears….. she kept measuring and re-measuring…… what felt like certain areas over and over and over…. making me even more nervous…… Then she would say oh look all four chambers in his heart looks good… watching “our” blood flow through him…… through his umbilical cord,…….. through his organs…….. and his heart…… Was damn near breath taking………This was our baby…… (is) that they are trying to look at and figure things out on………. and all I kept thinking is . God will prepare us (I keep praying too cause we are not prepared for what is coming) All I could see when looking at his lil face was Gabriel and Ezekiel and how much he resembles them to me…….. and what a lil miracle he is!!! This is my second pregnancy……. third baby boy…… whom I have been blessed to conceive and carry after hearing for 15 years..  that I would never conceive that I would never have babies. Fertility wouldn’t be for me…… But GOD …… My LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER…. has chosen me to be the mother to these 3 beautiful boys!!!!!!! BOY(S )  AM I BLESSED!!!! So, Then we see his lungs……… My baby boy is was opening his mouth big and yawning…….. Stretching out his lungs…. With every “breath” that brought tears to my eyes!!! All those organs I have been worried about look to be functioning just fine!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!
Well, then she makes a disc and says that she needs to go consulate and see if this is ok or if the dr wants and needs to look or wants her to try for better pictures……  then leaves the room………. for quite a while……… now im freaking……….. WHen she returns im sure what was about 20 mins later….. She has a tall male dr with her…. HE states his name and why he is here and tells me he would like to look at baby for him self…… So I reposition back to where they want me…… he does his own findings……… Guess I should let out they were looking at his brain…….. very closely………
SO……. before I really go on this is what I have found on the net……..
When certain anatomical features are altered, absent, or present in a fetus, it may indicate Down syndrome. Some of the markers that are examined include:
  • the length of the long arm (humerus) or leg bone (femur),
  • the length of the nasal bridge,
  • the size of the renal pelvis (hypoplasia, pyelectasis),
  • small bright spots in the heart (echogenic intracardiac foci),
  • small middle section of the little finger (hypoplastic fifth digit),
  • a large gap between the first and second toe,
  • increased brightness of the bowel (echogenic bowel), and
  • pelvic bone angle (widened iliac angle).

          So You see they were looking for indications and markers………… Well……. None of those did they see…  What they THINK they might of seen…… is not confirmed or denied…. They saw that in the two places in the brain that we hold water.. to keep it wet so to say……  One side is measuring 1.3 the other side they believe is measuring .6-  neither side is supposed to measure more than 1 cm.
          They are unsure though honestly if these are true measurements….. but this is one marker of Downs…….. So…… then things got serious…….
          I was given options:
          Amniocentesis, Mri, Ultrasound, Or nothing…. and can do cord blood testing after he comes……
          Well Amniocentesis was out once he told me it would have to be done in an L&D OR……. and that I would have to be carefully watched and monitored….. *UH HUH!*
          Well, MRI was out due to that is laying still( HA YEAH RIGHT! ME AND DANIEL STILL!?!?!) for a long period of time and all while on my back……….. NOPERS!
          So I said well, LEts go with ultrasound I love my tech from today and I sure would NOT mind seeing her nor seeing Daniel on the camera again!!! She said she felt flattered =D
          So ……. 11-15-12 we have a 1 pm appointment at The OBGYN in Galveston again……. for another fetal ultra sound level two again!!!
          Then after this being soooo late and an hr and half past my 10 am appointment I had up stairs on the 7th floor…. they gave me my disc and sent me on my way……. (oh also have an appt set up there with her too for 12-6-12… but she said no point in trying to go beyond that because they are sure I wont last that long………
          Oh and Daniel was measuring between 32& 34 weeks depending on the places she was measuring and she was guesstimating that he was weighting 4 lbs 12-13 oz……..

          Now, The DR……………. On the 7th floor……….
          WE get up there and I was chatting with mom on the phone for a bit letting her know what was happening and how things were going……… Trying my damnedest to not cry around all these people…….. Then we were called back ……….  Well,  its kinda good and bad here too………..  She hates the premixed insulin im on…… and changed it to two separates that I my self mix..  Then…..  the tried to keep me…. cause she wanted straight up my  testing runs this at these hrs while I was supervised…. well….. after tons and tons and tons of crying………  and then finally after agreeing to go along with what ever she wanted. and crying more…. I came to the conclusion there was NO way I could stay………. In all complete honestly….. we are so screwed up thanks to the bills and the bouncing of those checks from the previous job…….. That WE literally had to borrow money from our great “family” to even be able to gas up and go to Galveston in the first place…… NO LIE!  In all honestly water bill is due today…… *HA!* Electric is due Tuesday ….. And what she was asking was to keep me for literally 24 hrs……. when keith misses a day we lose a chunk…… So he couldn’t stay he would have had to drove back home, worked all day. then come down to get me…….. Then drive me back home……. which would of come down to him missing…… friday more than likely…… so we already are shorted 2.5 days…… that would have been 3.5…… and it not possible……. Well In order to come home I agreed to almost anything…… which would have had to happen anyways because they are going to keep a close watch on me big time anyhow. So now I have to go to Nac On friday (tomorrow) And then twice a week from then on…… LET alone….. the trips of at least two if not three down to the island again…… so, left over from the Family borrowed stuff. we have 2.00…… and maybe a 1/8th of a tank…… which is not going to get me to nac no way no how. Im determined to get done what had to be done but this is getting crazy!!!!!! Oh and for those not around the area nac is about an hr away…. 60 miles per say…… in one direction…..  I drive a swagger wagon(mini van) ……. *sigh* Im at a loss over all this………
          But… I Got to come home….. =/
          well anyways, she stated she wanted my sugar better controlled, and also informed me that…… really…… With my incision, they will not let me go back 37 weeks!! =) So ……. at the latest… by her book…. we will be seeing Daniel December 13th…….. if we go by im 30 weeks today……. Now if we go by his measurements then really since per her words the uterus is the most stupid organ/muscle in the body………. There is a chance at him being born in November !! Guess we might know more after the next ultra sound which I will see her again at also… Oh and ……………. I will have an Island baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
          They would rather (well me too with the great care I feel Daniel and I are getting) me birth down there with them….. on the island……… ( btw can you tell I love saying island?!?!?!?!?!?!)
          So, after all this checking out being freaked out still having to go back and check out of the room, and get confirmed that I was not leaving AMA and stuff….. I was starving it was late and I had not had lunch at all and all the floors said no food or drinks …… (stupid!!!!!) So we  found a New York Pizza place….WP_000781
          LOOK AT THAT HUGE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
          Grabbed our own slice…………………..2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 022
          and walked out to eat on the……………….
          2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 023 where keith had to feed the stupid stupid birds!!! UGH!!!!!!!

          First time at the beach together……….. EVER2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 039
          Oh and ignore the words on the shirt!
          I looked awful but from all the crying and stuff for days….. I figure…… WHo cares. He still loves me  and he makes me life complete!!! That’s what mattered to me at that moment (oh and that’s galveston island’s historic pleasure pier……….. THe rides are new this summer thanks to the hurricanes from years ago!)
          And since it was not just my love and I at the beach……… Had to Have a moment to let Daniel shine…………markontheworld
          He needs is time to shine! and I believe he will Leave his Mark on the world!!!!!!!!! All for Christ!!!!!!! Daniel Reason!!!!!! Momma loves you lil man!!!
          and my relaxing…………….  toes in the water!!!!!! AHH!!!!!!!! COOL WATER
          2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 037
          That’s about all I have for an update………….. sorry yall its still kinda inconclusive to a point….
          but this is what we have….  and its about all I can give yall
          Even though there is a chance at down syndrome…….. Im calmer…….. Im sure its because I know or feel I know his organs are good…  and hes beautiful in my eyes!!! ANd really That I am so ready to meet my lil Daniel Reason and hold him and bring him home God willing!!!!!!!!!

          Thanks yall for reading and understanding,
          Loves,
          Jessica and Daniel.

        Tuesday, October 23, 2012

        Petrified…. and I don’t mean wood……..


        I'm starting to swear I feel Like I'm in  room with NO light of day……. Its just pitch black…… No signs of life…….. no  Light switch to make it all brighter so that I can see what is happening or going on around me….. I don’t even hear screams or hollers from others…. Its just a tiny(yeah right not holding me!!)Pitch black room with no windows, no doors, no trap doors, no exits, no people, no NOTHING!  I swear I want the tears to end! Its all I have done for weeks, Cant be good adding stresses…….. to my self and Daniel………………. Right?!?!?!!?!
        So Right now your wondering Hey! Wait! She’s blogging? IN THE MORNING?!?!?!?!
        Well, Lets just say I have already had a call from UTMB-NAC………..  They have rearranged and rescheduled other patients. (yes apparently putting me before others…… something I an not used to and NOT wanting!!! I SWEAR )…………. As Bonnie my nursey said… rearranging the world for me.
        Now……. We will be headed down Today…… have to have hubby home probably around 3…… which already looks like its going to be hard to accomplish…. pack some stuff……. (yes I was suggested to pack a bag just in cause…… But she stated that its not in their plans to keep me…. but then again… who really knows… she said better safe than sorry when driving so far..)
        Need to be down there and “checked” in by nine pm……. they will provide meals for me but not for Keith( back to money being an issue now oh yay)…………….
        I will be at appointments starting at 9am…… =-/ 
        The level 2 ultrasound to look deeply at Daniel and see if anything is wrong(which is really scaring me!!!) apparently some kind of Genetic counseling……… which scares the day lights out of me because if you know my I deny taking those test……. I refuse!!!
        And speaking of that on the way home yesterday I was talking with Keith……. stating that I'm still not a happy person when it comes to women always saying oh I just want a happy healthy baby…… a happy pregnancy…… I wouldn’t wish these issues and not knowing things on anyone…. But…………
        Again…… stop the lying. Unless you would NOT love your baby if something was wrong with them … then don’t freaking say that…… I told Keith yesterday………. honestly at this point as Long as he could come out breathing and ok….. I wouldn’t care if his fingers/toes were webbed………… I wouldn’t care if he has 12 of them………. I don’t need the “stepford baby” I don’t need the “perfect” baby!!! I NEED MY DANIEL REASON MAHANAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I need MY BABY!!! That’s it!!!!
        Ok off that rant…. sorry for that…… and then the high risk drs at around 10 am……… I will be from the 3rd floor to the 7th floor of this building…… Well I guess we will……. my honey will be by my side……..
        Was told by the nurse that We should know more by at least noon tomorrow…. before I leave there I guess…..  she was trying to sound reassuring…… which just made the tears start flowing more…………  All I can say is…….
        Other than nicu…(and I do not count that now…) I have not spent a night away from my twinks!!! And already knowing I wont be here to put them to bed. tonight……. or to wake them up first thing in the am.. with their sweet sweet chatter and those amazing smiles……. is beyond breaking my heart at the moment!!!!!!! I know God Gives us only what we can handle…….. But I feel so small…….. (yet I know he is so mighty) I feel so weak…….(yet I know he is strong) I feel……… like I'm breaking……. like I’m  starting to really just crack……. And I swear. I have so been trying to stay strong……. But you know its bad when your honey just holds you With tears streaming, Cause he's petrified too!! Petrified of losing you………….. and Losing Daniel…… Seeing my strong confidant man doing that……….. breaks me even more…….. and kills me……….
        Please continue prayers……. we all really appreciate them………. Thanks Loves!
        Jessica & Daniel…………………


        small moments later update............. a friend liked a pic on facebook..... so the lovely person in me stole it LMAO....... and here it is.... if this doesn't speak to me feeling alone (which i already knew i wasn't) then i don't know what would!!!

        Monday, October 22, 2012

        10/22/12……. And…. still… Nothing!

        So, As I sit here taking some moments for my self but sadly taking moments away from being with my babies…… I’m pondering what all has gone on in the last three weeks……….

        I can promise you this, If it was not for my faith…… I would be locked up and tied up some where by now I’m  sure.

        If we start where I kind of last left off, you will understand better than at the moment if I just started with where I am and where we are headed.

        Well, Its been very touchy.  I have been very emotional, Cried every day,  My poor husband has had to deal with such sensitivity, such emotional roller coaster-ness I cant even tell you how he is putting up with me and/or why he is still around. I have been the cause of so many spats, and arguments and disagreements, and random I’m mad at you because of’s and you looked at me wrong moments that it has almost been unbearable.  And yesterday was the worst of all my moments, Today was approaching way to fast for me to be comfortable… So, I was the witch of all witches most of the day!!!
        Between the pregnancy hormones, my hormones Seriously being way worse than when I was pregnant with the kids, My poor darling husband had NO chance against the tornado like winds of emotion. WE cried we laughed we could of screamed and probably killed each other (totally used for explaining how bad I was and I made it when it is NOT AT ALL WHAT WE WOULD OF DONE!!!) Then all the night all we did was cuddle and love on each other in a means to show how much we do love and care about each other. Funny when your both “fighting over” who will cater to whom. =)

        But  a lil farther back……. While my husband was working for another company a lil while ago, We were having financial problems due to the way the company was run. We had Pay roll checks bouncing causing us to be over drawn on a every pay check period PERIOD!  So, we have been constantly struggling to catch up, WHILE, being cheated on pay from insurance money that was held back to keep us on insurance that in fact did NOT pay for insurance at all. Come to find out last night not only was it for one time frame that was MONTHS, but it was also from another time frame a year ago! SO, Now we have bills rolling in from “not having insurance” On him and my self from er visits to dr visits and etc. All while I'm trying to prepare for the arrival of Daniel, Trying to keep in mind the expenses we could have(you will catch on to that later in a bit) I am  really a prepare your soil person to see what will grow later ………. All of this which I have kept in also. Which now we find out we will more than likely NEVER see the daylight of those 000.00’s ever again. (get it zeros??) =)

        So when you put all that together along with the waiting the three weeks to even be able to see and know more than I did…….  It had me at my wits end…………

        Mean while Constantly praying For the Lord God Almighty, to give me patience and strength and understandings. for all that is going on and all we are going through. NOT at all questioning his reasoning's but just praying for the break of day to come  and praying for us to Find some kind of answers on what to possibly expect and the out come from………….  Prayed for A forgiving heart, to not have hatred and a blackness over my heart for the one that has taken way from my babies, has taken money away from all of us who could really use it right now in these times. Prayed for sanity, seriously, because with out it I'm sure I would not be as ok as I am today and really I am NOT THAT OK!!!!!!

        Now Coming to todays  dr appointment……………

        Left the house around 11/1130… arrived at the scene (HAHA) at 1230. Signed in and sat in the lobby, filled out paper work, sat in the lobby more  griped about being so hot in the building that my lungs were hurting and I couldn’t breathe……. Sat in the hall way complaining that more women that are mothers should be smart and make their kids wear(well daughters wear) shorts under their dresses…….. why? cause even as a woman I find it inappropriate to have to look at another females, of ANY AGE , UNDERWEAR!!!
        Cant stand it!!! So, that all takes 1 hr and 15 mins, Thanks to GOD for my hubby who was playing pool with me LOLOLOL.

        Then……..10 mins behind the closed doors to get urine, and be asked are you diabetic … mean while im thinking should you fools know this. and why have I been asked 3 times already if I had prenatal care up until this point!?!?!?! SO needless to say K & I were beyond aggravated and ready to walk out of this place if they kept having to ask me why I was here and what was wrong with me I mean hello!!! was I the one that spend and wasted money apparently going to med school or nursing school!?!?!!?

        Then 15- 20 more mins doing my  history………. which would have been much more simple if they just say here the comp fill it out see ya soon!!!

        then about 20 mins sitting there nakie…. while they found out they had NO records for me…….. the drs office I came from did not send them, so they had no clue about the 24 hr urine… my diabetes. or anything current or previous from the twin pregnancy…… =-/ at this point I was more mad at the office that sent me away again…. for not preparing the office they sent me to that because of them not sending what they needed to even be able to work on me and know me more from  making this office look stupid and pointless………. was their fault to begin with…….. Then I started settling down a bit……..

        Well, Daniel’s heart rate is in the 140’s and good and strong…….. my cervix is still high and closed! YAY!!!!!!! That’s a great thing!!!  Had an NST(non stress test) Done while waiting for lab and for the chart from the other office……. oh and to hear from Galveston……. (get to that in a min)

        So the nst was good, No contractions, But we did know after the exam in the room before it that my fundus is measuring way high ( I kind of knew this wanted to punch a lady a few Sunday's ago from telling me how huge I was and how much bigger I am now than I was with the twins when they didn’t see me with the twins from my being on bed rest from weeks before now in this gestational age in this pregnancy…… people should really keep their mouths shut…. I'm touchy anyways but even more when pregnant!!! ANd since being at home I have found out they are worrying more about that because its not just a few weeks more that I am measuring oh no… looking up on wiki….. it shows this for …..Fundal heights......

        220px-Fundal_height_by_gestational_age

        Which in all honesty means where they felt it and where I feel it and feel Daniel most the time…. is showing that…… its 36 + weeks….. Im only supposed to be 29 weeks…… at this moment. that’s 7 weeks more than I should which is again NOT a good sign in some form or fashion….

         

        at this point we started talking about my sugars where they were out how I was trying to control them with out a dr for a month now…… how things have been going that I had to play the guessing games and trying to see what would be ok and what wouldn’t and that’s sure is hard when I have NO clue as to how to do insulin and have never been around anyone long enough to know what normal doses are…….  Which brought us to the truth……………

        When diabetes is left uncontrolled prior to and during pregnancy there is a much greater chance of there being complications with your pregnancy and baby, including:

        Many of these increased risks can be drastically reduced with well controlled blood sugar prior to pregnancy as well as during pregnancy. This can take time and care with you and your practitioner working together.------------------ honestly I feel like now I was not being heard from the beginning…….. I mean hell if friends think im full of shit for thinking im so bad off and them assuming that I think I have the worst of anyone……….. then maybe I NEVER AM HEARD!!!!!!

        I already knew from the last u/s about a two months ago that he was measuring bigger…… but now this……. the rapid weight gains…. with this…… is a lil much…….. it actually has my DH stopping and thinking a lot today. I think he knew I was possibly right with my gut but I also think he thought maybe I was over thinking like I usually do…… but its always for a reason ya’ll!!! always be prepared……….

        So, Thanks to talking about all that with the dr……. and I told her I had been worried since the beginning and I was  not understanding why the other “HIGH RISK” clinic wasn’t checking his heart and organs to see if they were whole and mature….. was driving me nuts and im always worried, she stated that maybe we should go to Galveston to get that top notch big huge machine ultrasound done….. Keith at this moment is IF its what we need to do dr, we will do it. ( I love my supportive amazing husband have I said that this blog yet?!?!)

        WEll…………. so the nst is done……. Looks fine thank God!

        Then its off to labs……. and to wait for word back on when we go to Galveston.(could have been Pasadena but really there is no difference!!!)

        Give blood, Love the lab tech! OH MY what a personality from that cutie!!!!!!!

        Then get told, after Galveston received my records, they are not happy? with where things are and what they see. it seems to them that information is missing and keeping them from making the right and informed decisions I need……. and they do NOT want to put off my coming down to see one of those drs…. So Now………. We have to go to UTMB Galveston Wednesday….. have to be there at 10 am……. =/ normal time is about 4 hrs on a trip to the beach (which is NOT where I am going =/) SO add in im preggers, Means I need to leave 5 hrs before hand in order to have ample potty breaks!!!!!!!

        Now…… my feelings on al this…..

        Im scared shitless…….(sorry for the expression but its true)
        All I can think about is…… 1. Something is major wrong, TO much fluid on my darling Daniel……. or hes not formed as he should be, that  there is something drastically wrong with him making my body go haywire………..( ok so that’s like 1a 1b 1 c etc…. sorry)
        Two…….. Something is majorly wrong with me… and maybe the only reason we know this… or will find this out is because I am pregnant with my darling Daniel, and…. its making my body freak out and making them wonder what is wrong with me…. (yeah several a b c’s there too LOL)

        Then its……. I’m scared I need to pack a bag, pack my phone charger…… and pray…… Pray they don’t want to put me in a room…… 4 hrs away from my babies that need me…… 4 hrs away from my husband whom I love and whom loves me and would do anything for me!!! leaving me alone…and scared… if I didn’t do good away from home for 8 days while keith stayed with me in the hospital…… I cant imagine what it will be like 4 hrs away from him and the babies…..

        Then part of me is mad…… if they couldn’t “fix:” me to begin with why did they waste my time……. letting me reach the 3rd tri ….. still being uncontrolled……

        then I thought,……….. will I need to make a detour on the way back (if im allowed to leave) and stop at the beach……… cause it might be the last time I see the beach ever?!?!?!Do I leave the kids here with mom?? (whom is staying the night tom to just be here when they wake and make it easier on them) or do I take them cause it might be the only time I can ever in my life enjoy the beach with them…………..

        and I know its not all about the twins………

        so then its………..

        What if they say I have to deliver?!?! I know they can make it from 28 weeks…… But……. What if he don’t?  what if I have to and he don’t make it?!?!? How do I bring my self to burry my baby? or what if he does?!?! Then I’d be lucky for real if he’d be home by his “due” date…… I’d be spending all holidays down in a nicu in GOD knows where, and where do I choose for them to send him if I have to? christus schumpert was amazing with the boys…… and so was TCH out of Houston……….. But I know Christus Does early babies……. etc.

        Lord, Do you all see what I go through in my head daily?!?!? and that NO its not getting any better?!?!

        I Have no clue what to expect….. I have no clue if they are going to keep sending me down towards Galveston or if its gonna be more of Nacogdoches…….  or where…….. I have no clue if I will get an ultrasound when I am down there cause I sure pray I do………..  I did skip the Palestine one today which is dang good cause I would not of had the energy for that and this…..

        So, Really Im reaching out to ya’ll Keith, Gabriel, Ezekiel Daniel and I all need your prayers……. Desperately……. I know God can make anything happen……… ANd I know its all in his hands…… But I really have no firmer thing to stand on right now other than God is my rock and my salvation!!!!!  He has given me beautiful 20 month old twins that I was blessed to carry, and blessed to help form and nurture for all these months………. and an amazing and handsome husband whom I have been with for almost 31 months……. That has been an inspiration, a joy,  a hand full =) my best friend and my companion…… (and many many more things) and …….. I don’t want them to lose me….. I know that sounds selfish…… But I don’t. =’(  I also need your prayers that if all goes fine and Daniel and I are good to go……. That I can find a dr that will literally accept the fact that I am thirty, And I know what I want……. I want a hysterectomy………. I want a full and complete one….. I want nothing left….. I want no chance at later in life hearing sorry hun, you have cancer of the uterus…… I want it gone!!!!!!!!! and I know that will be hard to find but that is what I want and I will be damned if I don’t get that done…… I have had enough joys and heart aches from carrying Gabriel and Ezekiel…………. and now carrying Daniel…… That I can tell you as much as I would love to over populate the world and have as many as God would let be possible…….. I’d rather NOT risk a chance again …. of something happening and my not being able to be around for my precious children and devoted husband…………..

        Thank you all …………. and sorry for ticking off or making cry…..

        Love and thanks………….

        D,E,G,K and Jessica <3<3

        Tuesday, October 2, 2012

        Every day prayers…………



        Its amazing how one lil blog can apparently tick people off and they be so scared…… they wont say a word to you.
        Well, Guess what…. Friend or foe…… I don’t care.  If you have a problem take it up with the Lord Almighty! I don’t have time for your non sense. While others are whining and complaining……. let me just tell you this… Today did not go much better than yesterday.
        Talked to the Dr’s. office I was seeing… they don’t want me to come in at my next scheduled appt. and they have set up my appt with UTMB (which is beyond dreadful to me) Its not till the 22nd. Which does not ease my fears any more. they stated that I should be fine. Well, People, I don’t just care about me, I care about my child I'm carrying, the one I feel moving, the one that my twins lay their head on and listen to….. Funny just a week or so ago, it was oh yes preterm labor is def going to happen……… but now its oh you are gonna be fine for three weeks with no drs that care about you or look towards you  and your child. Thanks. JUST THANKS!
        So, I called UTMB my self…….. sorry HUN (btw I totally hate being called HUN!!!!) that’s the closet we have… really… I'm totally still NOT controlled in sugars.  and just so yall know.. those other numbers I posted….. are life threatening……. Yes not just to me but to Daniel……… SO YEAH IM WORRIED!!! IM FREAKED!! AND YES I COULD CARE LESS IF YOU HURT FROM Something that happened a while ago and you should be over. I'm here in the present……  Waiting to see if it my kidneys are failing…… waiting to see if Daniel is forming properly… waiting to know if its going to have to be dialysis…… or what …….. Cause yes …… This is how bad I feel….. that’s how bad some of those numbers are………..  I DON’T WANT TO make my husband a widow at 32 years old……… and a single father of two… if we would be lucky 3….. So while you sit there on your pity pot….. just remember………. Its not all about you. And yes its not all about me. but right now on this BLOG, MY BLOG, It sure as HELL  is!!!!  If you don’t like this…… if you don’t like my thoughts, my feelings, my updates on my self, my husband  my children, then.. don’t follow me. Don’t read this. DON’T pretend you like me or want to be a friend. for GODs sake just delete me!!!
        Right now………. if I were to pass………. I would leave behind two beautiful twin boys who are only 19 months old and definitely could use a mother!!!!  I am their world…… I take care of them from sun up to sun down…….. I wake with them in the night. I make the bad go away……. (yes daddy does some too but again hes the working man in the house =D )
        Now, while every one sits and whines ….. and things how awful I am……. tell me this……
        How often does it go through your head……. what if this is the last time I get to bathe them??  Is this the last time I brush their teeth, and comb their hair…….. Yah you probablly think im full of it but I cant tell you all the questions that have gone though my mind in the last few weeks….. As tired as I was last night when Z woke up at 3:03 am… I shoved hubby outta bed to get him (takes me a while to get up now) and then I go up and held my baby. and love him, and gave him milk and just chilled on the couch snuggled under a blanket…….. thinking…… This might be one of the last late nights I get with them.  I cherished every stinking moment and even took pics….
        WP_000590
        Watching Baby First TV drinking milk and cuddling…….. best 3am night ever!
        People can be so selfish and so self involved all the time………. I personally just like to be Family involved. If it was just me …. Not pregnant, not married not with kids……. I probably wouldn’t think much about knowing there are probably decisions ahead I don’t want to face……. BUT, I am married to the one true love of my life……. I do have kids…….. I am pregnant…….. and yes…… that makes me family involved. Its not about me but what will happen if something happens to me. where will they be left at?!?
        You see I have my sniff their hair moments, and hold them as close as possible, and Don’t care to cook or clean id rather just sit and babble with them a while……….
        But then I think…….. What about K??? What will he be like and what will happen to him?  I have to say in a very selfish way…. I wouldn't want him to remarry…… I have seen his other choices and I would prefer my boys be raised by a single dad than have a possible horrid step mom who treats them wrong…… I would love to think I am the one true love of his life and he wouldn’t want to remarry for anything either……. But Would I want him destined to spend life alone………….. Not really…. Then What about his job? Would it be doable for him with the kids? being a single parent? Would he have to crawl back to his family to try to get added help?  Where would the boys be during the day? 
        Yes I actually think about these things all the time. IF you ever wonder why I am so quite its because I ponder everything………..
        Like this past week….. I can not tell a lie K and I had a spat…….  and oddly it came out on our anniversary…… He had been home for a week, no work just home helping cook and clean and take care of everything….. most women would be over joyed right? A man telling you hey just sit back relax, I GOT THIS (which I heard 50 times a day I promise) But it upset me. I was crushed. I didn’t want him doing all of that and taking care of all he did. I wanted to still be super mom pregnant or not. I like being super mom and super wife….. I love catering to my husband……. and taking care of our kids….. I love cooking a dinner and knowing he will come home smell it and he will devour it and appreciate the work that went into it. I hated waking up from a nap and him having tons of laundry done dinner cooked and the boys ready …….. I don’t want him to have to do these things. I want to always be here to do them…….. But, I know there will come a time that we cant always take care of each other….. I just don’t want that time to be now. Am I ready to meet the Lord God Almighty? WHY YES! But do I want to miss out on G & Z the Amazing? My miracles? my angels? NO! I waited my whole life to have kids and a husband that love me…….. Id rather not lose them now.
        Ok so, Lets just get off that subject….. SO the numbers……… just to put things in place let me tell you this.
        These are a few of the issues from protein in your urine………
            now, Maybe If you don’t care about what's going on with me… maybe this will at least make you stop and think I should cherish the small moments more often…. Like BRB got to lay my precious angels down to bed…..

            Back!!!
            So, The point is …… Life is short, Cherish every single moment…. Do NOT take anything for granted……. Friends, Family, loved ones, what ever even your  “haters” LOL  Seize the day! even if its just sitting in your pj’s all day watching cartoons and eating junk food with your loved ones…….. DO IT! and enjoy it to the fullest!!! I cant stop cherishing every moment and every smile I get from my kids………. and really…… I don’t want to!!!
              Ok so on to the rest of today sorry for my soap box ranting…………..
              I think I will take it upon my self to find myself an endocrinologist again. I think  it will benefit my self and Daniel majorly.  Also to make my soul and heart feel better, I’m getting a 3d ultrasound done on Monday….. I figure if I see my lil growing monkey Ill be able to handle the wait a lil better…… hopefully. SO….. 6 days til ultrasound and 20 days till new clinic…….. and I'm Steadily praying for silver lining in this rain cloud that is hovering over Daniel Reason and I………….
              Thanks ya’ll for listening to my dreaded pregnancy rants…. Just now after all this time I think blogging will be best for me….. release some stresses and calm the nerves if all else fails…… and the less stress the better.. 2 days worth of crying cant be any good for anyone right?!?! =-)
              Later Gators………….
              J <3

            Monday, October 1, 2012

            Living off a prayer……….

             

             

            Well, Some might think they know me all so well.

            Some might imagine or thing I have the most amazing perfect life and Oh how I believe others must envy me………..

            Never realizing unless you walk a mile in my shoes you will never understand……………….

            So Lets start with the easiest of places to begin.. my  Current and last pregnancy. Baby #3  I can pretty much tell you now things might get a lil TMI and if that’s how you feel don’t like, don’t share or pin or read… and sure don’t comment.

            I have been holding in so much its not funny.
            Most get beyond excited knowing they are expecting… at first I was…. Then it hit. all the what if’s.

            What if I have to be on bed rest???

            What if I have to be hospitalized???

            What will happen to the twins???

            What if I cant cook and take care of them like a mother should be able to??

            What happens when I am placed in hospital to birth this baby?

            What happens to the twins? where do they sleep? who cares for them? Can I trust others?

            Now I know most of you are thinking wow this chick must of lost it.  She is beyond over thinking…

            And this is where you become wrong in thinking you know me.

            My children have been watched from day one.(well more like day 18(even 27) for those that know the story) BY ME AND ONLY ME. My husband yes when he is home.  He is a great man that I am constantly and ever thankful for.  But He is the provider in our home, so he works and has never fully kept the kids. I have not and nor do I have plans to spend a night away from them. We have not had a baby sitter. And as of now in 19 months……. we have had my mother watch them only every so often so that we can get to the Dr. alone with out them or when they were smaller cause I still pay bills the old fashioned way here in town.

            Why have I been this protective you ask?  Well, it didn’t start by choice.  Really it started with people who have good intentions never ever ever following through, Oh I want to watch them and you get a date night. Oh bring them over here any time… Yeah.. and those are the ones your lucky if they were ever home and I do mean EVER! (btw you will learn we will have several run on sentences today and I wont give a crap I have to much going on right now.

            So, Being there is never a person to call……. and unless you really have a CPR certification  and lots of time with kids….. Really yes I would probably not let you watch them just because.  My kids are my world and I would do anything in my power to protect them.  Which comes down to yes this Mama knows best when it came to her sons.

            Ok. So now that is out of the way……

            My last menstrual period would have been March 30th…….

            Come April 17th I had a very strong gut feeling………. Hubby didn’t believe me this time… But I knew something was up.  after about 5 at home test….. then waiting another week or two to take more and make extra sure….. We found out I was correct. we were expecting a new bundle(or would it be bundles again) So, this is where the extra worrying comes in. I was already high risk with the twins, then got gestational diabetes…….. and preterm labor starting way early on leading to two rounds of bed rest 13-16 weeks and then again around 22/24 weeks up until the time of delivery at 34 weeks 5 days which there was no stopping………….

            Side note… I hate whiners……… which is why I have kept to my self so much about what has really been going on.
            Have not let many people know the full story………….

            Since our first appointments we have found out we are only expecting one joyful bundle this time. I kept saying it would be a boy, everyone else said it would be a girl…… I look like I will be right =) I believe we found this out end of July early August It’s a boy!
            And his name shall be Daniel…….. We have been stuck forever on a middle name and finally have come up with it. Reasoning for that and the reveling of it will come at the end of this blog.

            Well, From the get go I asked them to test my sugars, I was sure something was off. And sure enough, The gestational stuck around from the twins and now, I have full blown diabetes……
            we started with trying to eat right, lots of research and seeing a dietician (which I don’t really recommend.)

            From there we have now realized things are not going as well as they should.  On 9-10 The NP and I discussed it and decided it is best for me to take care of my self and Daniel by going on Insulin……  So, 70/30 insulin, syringes, alcohol preps, sharps container, my already new glucometer, strips, ouchie poker thingy…. were all becoming as much a part of my life as breathing.  This sent me in a downward spiral of depression. MAJOR. I cried non stop from the moment we agreed it was best for Daniel. From Monday through Friday When I could finally get in to see the diabetes educator To show me how to use the stuff, I cried. finally felt more comfortable after that. Been feeling ok giving my self the shots and stuff. Then come 9-24…. I had another appt, admitted I felt things were off and I was not sure what it was. My body had gained over 10 lbs in 2 weeks. and it was NOT from my eating I was puffy and felt funky, told her watch I had so many other issues with the twins watch me get preeclampsia this go round. So we did A1c, Iron, urine(which is done every visit at my dr) and then…. decided on  a 24 hr urine test…. which then meant I was going to have to give blood at the lab, then get the urine jug and then head home start the following morning and return it on Wednesday……. Oh this sounds fun right?!?! Ive been a nervous wreck.

            So, Called to check on things today, And, Im now such high risk with just one baby (yes this annoys me to a point) that I can no longer been seen by my wonderful drs at this clinic…… I am being sent to another clinic in another town.
            So for all those that whine… Oh I hurt, Oh the pain, Oh what if something happens, Oh this and oh that…… BITE THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!!!!! I have had nicu X2 babies already……… That is forever life changing………. and yes I will piss ppl off this this part im sure, But….  a miscarriage yeah it hurts, not as bad a losing a baby when you know you have to bury them. and sure as heck not when you go full term and have a still born……… I know all things are different for everyone……. But Then you think about all I went through with the twins, then having to have the nicu experience…….  and never knowing if I would see them the next time I could get there or not knowing if the phone would ring and I would hear Mrs.Mahanay…… WE are sad to tell you…………..

            And now…….. To know that From last week I was informed that yes…… WE will not have to schedule a csection for Daniel…… NO need in my worrying if they would let me birth him at 38 weeks due to the diabetes and all…….. No point in looking at dates because Honestly, hes going to just come when he wants to like the twins did. ….. That’s hard as HELL!!!!!  Hard as hell to think about to accept, to know….. Im only 26 weeks…… well by my standards. 2 weeks til I feel a lil more comfortable……… 10 weeks and I would be happy as heck!! but what I would really want is him to come after the 21st…… that’s 38 weeks…….. but I cant lie, Part of me prays for it but part of me knows that wont happen. and I hate when my gut knows!!!

            I knew I wasn’t strong when we went through the first NICU experience……….. and sure wasn’t when we went through the second……… But There is no way do I really believe that Keith nor my self…….. as a couple or as single parents can deal with a third. Praying hard and long all the days so that it might not happen……..  but Im scared. Im scared of all of this. Oh and just so you know I did find out why I cant see my drs and np’s any more and have to chance clinics…… im not just high risk any more im beyond that …….  the A1C lowered and is a tad bit better…. but its the proteins and the creatinine’s that are in my urine that are causing big huge problems. in short  lets say the left side  in the following numbers is where I should be but the right side is where I really am at…..

             

            84                           139

            150                         300

            75-115                     198

             

            and in a diabetic these are functions you need under control. lets just say that. and no need to go into which is what and why but…… yeah. these are usually not good sings for your kidneys…….. which I would love to keep …………………….

            So now you know the rest of the story. Why I do not let so much out on face book and I really truly keep to my self. I don’t need judges……… or people who want to share their stores (per say unless this was your situation idc.)…… I don’t want to hear other peoples whining. or stories or complaints…… who cares why what is going on… I have my self. a husband twins who need me here(and not in a grave) and a baby I'm trying to get to grow right….. and strong……. and healthy……

            So If I don’t post much…… or what I do post is something uplifting and inspirational picture wise…….. YOU NOW KNOW WHY. I feel if I need it then maybe just maybe someone else does too.
            Now……… I know that God has so many reasons for us to have been going through what we have been.  Reasons beyond our brains can think or handle more than likely. Reasons why a dear friends husband passed away from cancer…… and fought a long and hard battle all the way til the end……… He had a reason. He was a Reason for her to live……. He was a person who showed dedication in all he did. Great husband, great father Great son, Great provider……… hard worker. etc……….
            And looking at all I am going through to get Daniel here……. We realized after asking permission…… That….. There is a Reason……… Lots of reasons I should use the name that came to my mind when we finally came to a conclusion on why we need a middle name and how it needs to have a LOT of meaning……….

            Our soon to be addition will be named…………….
            Daniel Reason Mahanay

            Prayers for a healthy remainder in the pregnancy…… and for him to please not show his beautiful lil face until AT LEAST Dec 7th…… would be much appreciated….. VERY MUCH appreciated.

            Love from us all and thanks for letting me vent.
            J,K, E,G & Baby D.

            Monday, January 2, 2012

            New Years Resolution….. Or Life resolution?

            Here we are in a new year which we all welcome with open arms for all different reasons. Some are glad to see the last year end.  Some are excited to see the new year begin and to see what will unfold for them in their lives.  Some Like to start the year off fresh with new thoughts, new plans, or an almost new life.  We make resolutions, To lose weight, To eat healthy, To better our selves or our lives in some way or another.
            But, Why do we do this every year?
            First, lets look at the word.
            Resolution: Mariam Webster defines this word in several manners but if we stop and look at 3a we see that this is more than likely what we are all doing when we make a resolution. it states:
            a : something that is resolved <made a resolution to mend my ways>
            Now again lets look at my first question.
            Why do we do this every year?

            Seems to me, if we are making the same resolution every year, we are not mending our ways.
            some would think 365 days would be an easy time frame to start mending our ways.  Research shows that if you do something for 30 days that it them becomes a habit.
            But most fail even before the end of January to stick to their resolution. And reading up on some sites it shows that its for one main reason normally.  That reason is That we are trying to quit a habit, with out starting a new goal or habit. Those that want to quit smoking or quit drinking don’t try to replace it with something like running a marathon. 
            So, My thoughts are, my Resolution, wont be for the new year. I want a life resolution.
            I need life changes not year changes.
            So, I figure I need to change things in my life. Yupp, that’s is what I figure.  So, Lets say I resolve to be, a better child of God.  I want to be more involved in the happenings of our church. Yes, this will be a struggle with the boys, But it can be done!! why? Because I have a wonderful loving supportive Church family!
            I want so resolve to be a better wife. Why? Because I am sure that husbands do not need constant nagging, which I think most of us do most the time. I want to be more supportive, more loving, more understanding.  I want to think before I speak more. I want to have more sweet and tender moments, the ones that happen out of no where, but that show how much you love and care. 
            I want to be a better mother and step mother( ew wicked word LOL) I want to be loving and kind and supportive to the children. I want to be a friend when I can and a mother when I need to be. I want to be a cheerleader for them, and a woman of God who can show them that you can have fun, you can be your self with out dishonoring God and family.  That you don’t need drinking smoking or partying to have that fun!
            I resolve to be a better sister, daughter and aunt.
            I want my brother and sister(in love) to know that I will always love them, That I am here to support them or help them in any way possible!
            I want my niece to know I can be the coolest auntie ever! That she can talk to me call me text me when ever she wants, that I will also be a cheerleader for her. That I love her every day and always have and always will.
            As goes for my mom, I want her to also know and feel the same things That I will support her and love her no matter what. I want her to look at the woman I am, the woman I am becoming and the mother I am and I am becoming and feel proud. And feel that she did a good job raising me, because I feel that way and I feel so honored to be her child and to have had such a great person in my life as a role model.
            And yes I resolve to give my self pep talks, to try to find ways to become more active, and to lost this baby weight I gained during pregnancy. I want to be a healthy happy and active person, wife and mother. I do not want to sit on the side lines and not be able to participate in activities and games with the kids. This means eating healthier too, so that the boys for sure learn how to eat, and how much to eat. I do not want to be a bad role model.
            I also resolve to continually work on being a more patient  person.  I don’t want to get aggregated as easily as I use to. I resolve to always ask God to help me be more patient more calm, more even killed and level headed. I want to be a person that is a real friend, a true person, that who you see out in Wal-Mart (ok not looks wise cause I always look bad!) and who you see at church, and who you see at home are all the same person. I do not want to be fake. I can not stand fake. I resolve to stand firm on my beliefs and my thoughts. I resolve to be honest and forth coming. Why keep thoughts to your self? why not be honest? When it really is called for? And no I don’t mean I am giving my self the right to be mean. But, why lie even a white lie to anyone? If I don’t feel like leaving the house, I will say I just don’t feel like going any where today. If I don’t feel like having company I will just say Can we plan for another day? I just don’t feel up to it today. 
            I know I am rambling but this has just been on my mind.
            I want to find a reason every day to Praise God, Whether its small or big. I want to find a reason.
            And speaking of that I resolve to find a reason and Blog even if its just one line, about it every day. And I do resolve to blog more too. I want to stop and look back one day and see how much I have grown Even if its just from my blogging.
            So to end this Blog, I will Note what I am grateful for from yesterday and I will wait to state what I am for today til tonight.
            For Jan 1st 2012:
            Dear Father God,
            I praise you For bringing Calm into the midst of this storm.  You gave me a chance to speak my mind in weeks past. I spoke as much as needed to be heard by who it was heard by.  And from this I have a little more calm in our life here at the Mahanay House.  From this You blessed us by Letting Keith and I see his daughters.  Seeing Sarah see the twins, her brothers, for the first time was priceless. How much they liked her from the first look at her made my heart so happy and so full of joy. On this day, I stopped and thought about how far we have come since Jan 1, 2011. WE have twin sons who are perfect And amazing blessings That you gave us! I will forever be grateful for this. I can see glances of my father, and other family members in the way they do things. Which makes me think I have a piece of those whom I miss right here on earth and in my arms. Today My husband Got to see his oldest Sarah again. And we have a chance at having things change so that we can see her more! And I am so blessed for this!  For you opening a door, so that we can all see her and she can get to know her brothers. Thanks you Father for this. I already feel so blessed here in 2012  and its just been a day and a half! Lord, I will continue to praise you more, and work on honoring you in all of my ways. I thank you for every day that you let me wake up and Breathe in the new day!
            In YOUR grace,
            Your child,
            Jessica