Monday, November 5, 2012

Like a batter with his third strike……… He’s outta there!!!!

So……….. Since being back…….. I have had non stop contractions that just get harder and harder….. but NO I have not and will not go to a dang hospital…………….

Oh and I was losing parts of my mucus plug while in the hospital but they looked at me like I was crazy…..mmm k yeah I didn’t have a child naturally before with out having to have my water broken or my membranes stripped (not saying I'm better just stating the facts!!!)

SO, Now last night I was freaking big time It seemed no matter what I did I could not get him to talk and be chatty with me(ie bump kick hit flip) I did everything even ate real ice cream.. finally I got in the bath tub and he said HI MAMA!!!!!! =) lil stinker!  so things that have been freaking me out… I have no energy.. been sleeping as much as my dear honey would let me.so for three days all I have wanted to do, or all I have done is sleep…….. And its kind of scary….. I already am pretty sure I have dropped.. quite a bit…… today we were noticing it looks like he went from being transverse last Tuesday to being head down today……. I swear I have been feeling his lil hands down there trying to bust out and wave saying hi world!!!!!  Im prepared and totally unprepared……………

How do you prepare your self knowing your about to have 4 men(3 littles) in your house?!?!?! How do you really honestly prepare to have a new born and two toddlers!?!?!?!?! I can NOT wrap my mind around it……

 

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I tried having the swing and stuff out for the boys to get use to………………………  But really its just making them mad they cant touch and play with it!!!

ANd all I have been thinking is that One day I will walk out this door…. kissing three men….. and come back with 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and to think I thought that this was perfection!!!!!!!!!!
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So…… In all honesty……. I have not been handling things well at all lately…. I'm so tired… so frustrated by not getting real answers from the drs down at UTMB (which I stand by is a great place) But I know I have preeclampsia!!!! but they just do not want to admit it!!! I have every sign and symptom of preterm labor……. but they think its crazy to have a singleton and have preterm. (have they met half the ppl in my nicu pages?!?!?! NO!!!!!!!!) Im so beyond worried, I know I need to be packing a bag right now for the unknown of what might come tomorrow at the drs appointment……. *sigh*  The twinks know something is up….. they have been so unruly so crazy and wild and crying and screaming.. Im so frustrated (yes this is a first I have ever said that so don’t faint!) but its because Im not supposed to carry them.. or pick them up….. I cant console them like I want to and feel like I should!!!!! Its making me feel crappy and worthless as their mother!!! especially when even standing and cooking or trying to do laundry or what ever is making me have contractions!!! I am honestly so dang depressed, all I want to do is cry but all that does is make me hurt more….. Im not sure how it can be that I physically hurt more with my singleton pregnancy that I did with my twins!!! Its Unbelievable!!!! for real!! I sit here trying to enjoy every moment he is in me knowing…… this is the last time I will ever be pregnant…… This is the last time I will feel like I am helping God really work a miracle…. Creating a lil life a lil man from whose image is mine and Keith's and Gods!!!!! I try to cherish every flip or kick or punch…… and I still just want to break down and cry every 5 mins cause something or everything or nothing is going right/wrong!!!!!  I know this baby boy needs to keep baking but Im not sure I can physically take it any longer or that my body can  I cry with every movement……. yet I am still so head strong I am still getting ticked off at keith for taking over and doing everything I cant……… I feel helpless and hopeless…… and as far as all else in our life……. its depressing as hell too……… I can not tell a lie

Hes looking at selling his truck…… which means a 1 vehicle family….. NOT COOL! not cool when I will have check ups Daniel will and we have dentist and drs appointments to catch up on with the twins….. and knowing he will have to find a job… I get that he is trying to provide for our family one way or another………

oh yeah ya’ll btw…. he’s been fired if I didn’t out right let that out……. and honestly I don’t think it has anything to do with is working and being a great worker…. but I think it had to do with me and a high risk pregnancy they they didn’t want to deal with at all!!!!

and if he did try to go find a job now….. how the heck would I get back and forth to Nac every Tuesday and Thursday knowing I'm not allowed to drive?!?!?!  and if we have one vehicle…. it’s the same predicament……. then its we will never be able to afford 2nd vehicle again…………. AND im mad!!I BOUGHT THIS TRUCK FOR HIM WITH HIM (its also in my name LOL) HE saw it wanted it and we made it happen…………. Can you tell im not a happy wifey about his want to be decision?!?!?!?!

and if he gets a job?!?!?! then what??? if its now…. he will not be able to be here when baby comes… or help me after……. since I have the option to birth either way but I am choosing the best way for me……. I wont be able to lift the boys……… UGH!!! still!!!!!

Ok I think im just gonna have to give all this a rest here at the moment. I know I need to get to bed for our 930 appt tomorrow morning……. love to you all…………..

Jessica and Daniel…

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……… 31 weeks

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