Thursday, October 25, 2012

UTMB Galveston---- slightly reassuring….. But nothing solid….


Well, As you all Know Tuesday we left to head down to Galveston Island……..  Trip took what seemed like forever, even though really it was not as long as it even felt.  The whole way down we tried to distract out selves…. Talk about what we could…Listened to “our” radio station from teen years… Tried to almost avoid the Daniel subject as much as possible…  Not that Daniel is ever an untouchable subject… but every time I would move uncomfortably, or  touch my HUGE preggo belly…… My Dear hubby would look at me with concern and be questioning if I was ok, if something was wrong…  Then we would both just about burst into tears knowing we honestly do not know a true answer to that.  Our guts have no clue, We are over thinking every single thing….  Then……. We saw water!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! we were crossing over the bridge.. and able to see (well tried to see cause it was pitch black )  I have to say I did extremely well on the drive down  only 2 restroom breaks!!! With the twins just leaving home and making it to Houston was a triumph if I did not have to stop more than 6 times!!!  =)
So, We decided to find The Residence first……. Once we located that….  we tried to find the hospital but we turned wrong leaving the parking area then just decided that it was much more feasible if we just tried to do that during the day light hours anyways. So we headed back to The Residence checked in got shown to our room, grabbed out luggage and food and went into the room…..
Tried to sleep…. which Did not work for me.  We turned the lights and tv all off at about 1145 ad come 145/2 am I was awake and couldn’t sleep. Very grateful to my Jennjenn and her grave yard shift hrs…. cause she kept me company with tons of text!!!!
So….. I anxiously awaited  9 am……
Once about 830 came we ran out of the room all luggage packed,  turned in the key and jumped in the swagger wagon.. and headed to find the parking lot….. and the UTMB clinic…….
And it took an ACT of GOD!!!! Roads closed apparently some kind of popo training was going on! BLAH!  When we finally got there we had mins to find the building and get to the floor and appt.
Signed in at 857 at the Obgyn clinic on the third floor, then it was a short wait…. We first met with a lovely older lady (in a wheel chair ) who was so sweet and polite.  She asked if it was ok that she had a dr in training with her which it was. We followed her to her office and then preceded to sit down and wait scared stiff as to what was to come…….. She re introduced her self..(no sorry peeps I can NOT remember a single name of a single person sorry)
Stated that she was the genetic counselor and asked if we knew why we were there…. Which is when I stated to a point… I have not really received answers from most my questions in months, but I do understand I asked to come here and to get a level two ultrasound done to look at my baby boys organs and growth to check on him due to my diabetes and my very nervous, worried and concerned self. She applauded me  =)
Asked us several questions about our health and habits and then preceded to do family trees on both of us up to great grand parents…… and down to our children. over to our uncles/aunts… and down to their kids, and then our siblings and their children……. needing to know mental and physical health as well as if they passed on what was the cause and the ages…… Then after looking over all her drawings(which was really cool a male  or female on my side had different shapes than the males and females on my husbands side. really it was interesting I guess you just had to be there ;D haha ) She flipped open two books, One showing options,   amniocentesis Which can tell us 99% accurately if things are wrong….. But of course can lead to fetal demise…. Preterm labor, leaking of amniotic fluids…….. and so on……….. or The level two ultra sound which is approximately 95-96 % accurate…… and told us that of course it is our choice….. Well With out my husbands consent (Mainly because we feel totally the same on many of these items) I stated that unless it became totally medically necessary for the amniocentesis….. I would prefer to decline that…. and that I would really need them stating at that time that it was the one and only way for us to get an answer to know how to begin treatments or something…… that it would have to be the only choice and last resort….. That even though I know Daniel ( I made sure to say it as often as I could his name I mean) was at a gestational age that was a sign he could live and be normal…… I was not prepared in any way to add any extra risk to him and my self at this time. That we would rather just spend time with the ultrasound tech. To which she replied that’s fine, Its not like an amnio would make a difference at this point any ways cant do anything about it. And then I responded with that is why I refuse the options for those and blood test and stuff from the get go…. I would NEVER choose to terminate my pregnancy…… EVER!!!!!! She smiled. (I liked that.) also loved how the Med student’s face was like Oh wow they are going to have their hands full when he learned that we have two amazing 20 month old twin boys and that Daniel is a boy also…… HEHE I love that look now…. the saying I hate….. cause it’s a lie and people will never understand …. SO….. then she told us that it would be about 35-45 mins doing this ultra sound  and told me from the 2nd binder…… that due to the diabetes I have a higher risk more like a 1/15 to have a down syndrome baby…… and that they would be looking for that as well as looking for spina bifida…… So…. With that… we were sat back out in the waiting room to  wait for our ultrasound…….
The ultrasound………….
First Lets have a beatiful shot….MAHANAYJESSICA20121024103440662
Meet Daniel Reason Mahanay…………..
Whom I might add…… Un to his Father’s admitting until yesterday…… is also still Daniel! and is still 100% boy!!!!MAHANAYJESSICA20121024102120571
=) I kept joking with him for a while that if it came out and did not have a “winkie” I was sending it back for a full refund!!! He is now finally able to stand there and say Im having a boy!!! =) Im glad cause if he would of kept on I would of smacked him! LOLOL (totally a joke!!!)
So………. IT took a whole hr for the tech to even get the first pic!!! He was such a wiggly worm and jumping bean that she was lucky to get the good shots she did! But She was also very amazing!!!!!
She literally spend a whole hr looking for his arms and legs and lengths in those and measuring his skull, and looking for hands and feet when he would hold still! HAHA She constantly talked to him saying good baby… Baby roll a lil this way for me…. or that way…. and come on baby please cooperate…….. It was too cute!!! And the set up was very nice! The screen that was hers… was all hers none of this break your neck to see what she sees stuff…… I had my own screen directly in front of me on the wall….. But with each sigh, or deep breath…. I was trying my best to not cry and choke back tears….. she kept measuring and re-measuring…… what felt like certain areas over and over and over…. making me even more nervous…… Then she would say oh look all four chambers in his heart looks good… watching “our” blood flow through him…… through his umbilical cord,…….. through his organs…….. and his heart…… Was damn near breath taking………This was our baby…… (is) that they are trying to look at and figure things out on………. and all I kept thinking is . God will prepare us (I keep praying too cause we are not prepared for what is coming) All I could see when looking at his lil face was Gabriel and Ezekiel and how much he resembles them to me…….. and what a lil miracle he is!!! This is my second pregnancy……. third baby boy…… whom I have been blessed to conceive and carry after hearing for 15 years..  that I would never conceive that I would never have babies. Fertility wouldn’t be for me…… But GOD …… My LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER…. has chosen me to be the mother to these 3 beautiful boys!!!!!!! BOY(S )  AM I BLESSED!!!! So, Then we see his lungs……… My baby boy is was opening his mouth big and yawning…….. Stretching out his lungs…. With every “breath” that brought tears to my eyes!!! All those organs I have been worried about look to be functioning just fine!! PRAISE GOD!!!!!!
Well, then she makes a disc and says that she needs to go consulate and see if this is ok or if the dr wants and needs to look or wants her to try for better pictures……  then leaves the room………. for quite a while……… now im freaking……….. WHen she returns im sure what was about 20 mins later….. She has a tall male dr with her…. HE states his name and why he is here and tells me he would like to look at baby for him self…… So I reposition back to where they want me…… he does his own findings……… Guess I should let out they were looking at his brain…….. very closely………
SO……. before I really go on this is what I have found on the net……..
When certain anatomical features are altered, absent, or present in a fetus, it may indicate Down syndrome. Some of the markers that are examined include:
  • the length of the long arm (humerus) or leg bone (femur),
  • the length of the nasal bridge,
  • the size of the renal pelvis (hypoplasia, pyelectasis),
  • small bright spots in the heart (echogenic intracardiac foci),
  • small middle section of the little finger (hypoplastic fifth digit),
  • a large gap between the first and second toe,
  • increased brightness of the bowel (echogenic bowel), and
  • pelvic bone angle (widened iliac angle).

          So You see they were looking for indications and markers………… Well……. None of those did they see…  What they THINK they might of seen…… is not confirmed or denied…. They saw that in the two places in the brain that we hold water.. to keep it wet so to say……  One side is measuring 1.3 the other side they believe is measuring .6-  neither side is supposed to measure more than 1 cm.
          They are unsure though honestly if these are true measurements….. but this is one marker of Downs…….. So…… then things got serious…….
          I was given options:
          Amniocentesis, Mri, Ultrasound, Or nothing…. and can do cord blood testing after he comes……
          Well Amniocentesis was out once he told me it would have to be done in an L&D OR……. and that I would have to be carefully watched and monitored….. *UH HUH!*
          Well, MRI was out due to that is laying still( HA YEAH RIGHT! ME AND DANIEL STILL!?!?!) for a long period of time and all while on my back……….. NOPERS!
          So I said well, LEts go with ultrasound I love my tech from today and I sure would NOT mind seeing her nor seeing Daniel on the camera again!!! She said she felt flattered =D
          So ……. 11-15-12 we have a 1 pm appointment at The OBGYN in Galveston again……. for another fetal ultra sound level two again!!!
          Then after this being soooo late and an hr and half past my 10 am appointment I had up stairs on the 7th floor…. they gave me my disc and sent me on my way……. (oh also have an appt set up there with her too for 12-6-12… but she said no point in trying to go beyond that because they are sure I wont last that long………
          Oh and Daniel was measuring between 32& 34 weeks depending on the places she was measuring and she was guesstimating that he was weighting 4 lbs 12-13 oz……..

          Now, The DR……………. On the 7th floor……….
          WE get up there and I was chatting with mom on the phone for a bit letting her know what was happening and how things were going……… Trying my damnedest to not cry around all these people…….. Then we were called back ……….  Well,  its kinda good and bad here too………..  She hates the premixed insulin im on…… and changed it to two separates that I my self mix..  Then…..  the tried to keep me…. cause she wanted straight up my  testing runs this at these hrs while I was supervised…. well….. after tons and tons and tons of crying………  and then finally after agreeing to go along with what ever she wanted. and crying more…. I came to the conclusion there was NO way I could stay………. In all complete honestly….. we are so screwed up thanks to the bills and the bouncing of those checks from the previous job…….. That WE literally had to borrow money from our great “family” to even be able to gas up and go to Galveston in the first place…… NO LIE!  In all honestly water bill is due today…… *HA!* Electric is due Tuesday ….. And what she was asking was to keep me for literally 24 hrs……. when keith misses a day we lose a chunk…… So he couldn’t stay he would have had to drove back home, worked all day. then come down to get me…….. Then drive me back home……. which would of come down to him missing…… friday more than likely…… so we already are shorted 2.5 days…… that would have been 3.5…… and it not possible……. Well In order to come home I agreed to almost anything…… which would have had to happen anyways because they are going to keep a close watch on me big time anyhow. So now I have to go to Nac On friday (tomorrow) And then twice a week from then on…… LET alone….. the trips of at least two if not three down to the island again…… so, left over from the Family borrowed stuff. we have 2.00…… and maybe a 1/8th of a tank…… which is not going to get me to nac no way no how. Im determined to get done what had to be done but this is getting crazy!!!!!! Oh and for those not around the area nac is about an hr away…. 60 miles per say…… in one direction…..  I drive a swagger wagon(mini van) ……. *sigh* Im at a loss over all this………
          But… I Got to come home….. =/
          well anyways, she stated she wanted my sugar better controlled, and also informed me that…… really…… With my incision, they will not let me go back 37 weeks!! =) So ……. at the latest… by her book…. we will be seeing Daniel December 13th…….. if we go by im 30 weeks today……. Now if we go by his measurements then really since per her words the uterus is the most stupid organ/muscle in the body………. There is a chance at him being born in November !! Guess we might know more after the next ultra sound which I will see her again at also… Oh and ……………. I will have an Island baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
          They would rather (well me too with the great care I feel Daniel and I are getting) me birth down there with them….. on the island……… ( btw can you tell I love saying island?!?!?!?!?!?!)
          So, after all this checking out being freaked out still having to go back and check out of the room, and get confirmed that I was not leaving AMA and stuff….. I was starving it was late and I had not had lunch at all and all the floors said no food or drinks …… (stupid!!!!!) So we  found a New York Pizza place….WP_000781
          LOOK AT THAT HUGE PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
          Grabbed our own slice…………………..2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 022
          and walked out to eat on the……………….
          2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 023 where keith had to feed the stupid stupid birds!!! UGH!!!!!!!

          First time at the beach together……….. EVER2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 039
          Oh and ignore the words on the shirt!
          I looked awful but from all the crying and stuff for days….. I figure…… WHo cares. He still loves me  and he makes me life complete!!! That’s what mattered to me at that moment (oh and that’s galveston island’s historic pleasure pier……….. THe rides are new this summer thanks to the hurricanes from years ago!)
          And since it was not just my love and I at the beach……… Had to Have a moment to let Daniel shine…………markontheworld
          He needs is time to shine! and I believe he will Leave his Mark on the world!!!!!!!!! All for Christ!!!!!!! Daniel Reason!!!!!! Momma loves you lil man!!!
          and my relaxing…………….  toes in the water!!!!!! AHH!!!!!!!! COOL WATER
          2012-10-24 2012-10-24 001 037
          That’s about all I have for an update………….. sorry yall its still kinda inconclusive to a point….
          but this is what we have….  and its about all I can give yall
          Even though there is a chance at down syndrome…….. Im calmer…….. Im sure its because I know or feel I know his organs are good…  and hes beautiful in my eyes!!! ANd really That I am so ready to meet my lil Daniel Reason and hold him and bring him home God willing!!!!!!!!!

          Thanks yall for reading and understanding,
          Loves,
          Jessica and Daniel.

        Tuesday, October 23, 2012

        Petrified…. and I don’t mean wood……..


        I'm starting to swear I feel Like I'm in  room with NO light of day……. Its just pitch black…… No signs of life…….. no  Light switch to make it all brighter so that I can see what is happening or going on around me….. I don’t even hear screams or hollers from others…. Its just a tiny(yeah right not holding me!!)Pitch black room with no windows, no doors, no trap doors, no exits, no people, no NOTHING!  I swear I want the tears to end! Its all I have done for weeks, Cant be good adding stresses…….. to my self and Daniel………………. Right?!?!?!!?!
        So Right now your wondering Hey! Wait! She’s blogging? IN THE MORNING?!?!?!?!
        Well, Lets just say I have already had a call from UTMB-NAC………..  They have rearranged and rescheduled other patients. (yes apparently putting me before others…… something I an not used to and NOT wanting!!! I SWEAR )…………. As Bonnie my nursey said… rearranging the world for me.
        Now……. We will be headed down Today…… have to have hubby home probably around 3…… which already looks like its going to be hard to accomplish…. pack some stuff……. (yes I was suggested to pack a bag just in cause…… But she stated that its not in their plans to keep me…. but then again… who really knows… she said better safe than sorry when driving so far..)
        Need to be down there and “checked” in by nine pm……. they will provide meals for me but not for Keith( back to money being an issue now oh yay)…………….
        I will be at appointments starting at 9am…… =-/ 
        The level 2 ultrasound to look deeply at Daniel and see if anything is wrong(which is really scaring me!!!) apparently some kind of Genetic counseling……… which scares the day lights out of me because if you know my I deny taking those test……. I refuse!!!
        And speaking of that on the way home yesterday I was talking with Keith……. stating that I'm still not a happy person when it comes to women always saying oh I just want a happy healthy baby…… a happy pregnancy…… I wouldn’t wish these issues and not knowing things on anyone…. But…………
        Again…… stop the lying. Unless you would NOT love your baby if something was wrong with them … then don’t freaking say that…… I told Keith yesterday………. honestly at this point as Long as he could come out breathing and ok….. I wouldn’t care if his fingers/toes were webbed………… I wouldn’t care if he has 12 of them………. I don’t need the “stepford baby” I don’t need the “perfect” baby!!! I NEED MY DANIEL REASON MAHANAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I need MY BABY!!! That’s it!!!!
        Ok off that rant…. sorry for that…… and then the high risk drs at around 10 am……… I will be from the 3rd floor to the 7th floor of this building…… Well I guess we will……. my honey will be by my side……..
        Was told by the nurse that We should know more by at least noon tomorrow…. before I leave there I guess…..  she was trying to sound reassuring…… which just made the tears start flowing more…………  All I can say is…….
        Other than nicu…(and I do not count that now…) I have not spent a night away from my twinks!!! And already knowing I wont be here to put them to bed. tonight……. or to wake them up first thing in the am.. with their sweet sweet chatter and those amazing smiles……. is beyond breaking my heart at the moment!!!!!!! I know God Gives us only what we can handle…….. But I feel so small…….. (yet I know he is so mighty) I feel so weak…….(yet I know he is strong) I feel……… like I'm breaking……. like I’m  starting to really just crack……. And I swear. I have so been trying to stay strong……. But you know its bad when your honey just holds you With tears streaming, Cause he's petrified too!! Petrified of losing you………….. and Losing Daniel…… Seeing my strong confidant man doing that……….. breaks me even more…….. and kills me……….
        Please continue prayers……. we all really appreciate them………. Thanks Loves!
        Jessica & Daniel…………………


        small moments later update............. a friend liked a pic on facebook..... so the lovely person in me stole it LMAO....... and here it is.... if this doesn't speak to me feeling alone (which i already knew i wasn't) then i don't know what would!!!

        Monday, October 22, 2012

        10/22/12……. And…. still… Nothing!

        So, As I sit here taking some moments for my self but sadly taking moments away from being with my babies…… I’m pondering what all has gone on in the last three weeks……….

        I can promise you this, If it was not for my faith…… I would be locked up and tied up some where by now I’m  sure.

        If we start where I kind of last left off, you will understand better than at the moment if I just started with where I am and where we are headed.

        Well, Its been very touchy.  I have been very emotional, Cried every day,  My poor husband has had to deal with such sensitivity, such emotional roller coaster-ness I cant even tell you how he is putting up with me and/or why he is still around. I have been the cause of so many spats, and arguments and disagreements, and random I’m mad at you because of’s and you looked at me wrong moments that it has almost been unbearable.  And yesterday was the worst of all my moments, Today was approaching way to fast for me to be comfortable… So, I was the witch of all witches most of the day!!!
        Between the pregnancy hormones, my hormones Seriously being way worse than when I was pregnant with the kids, My poor darling husband had NO chance against the tornado like winds of emotion. WE cried we laughed we could of screamed and probably killed each other (totally used for explaining how bad I was and I made it when it is NOT AT ALL WHAT WE WOULD OF DONE!!!) Then all the night all we did was cuddle and love on each other in a means to show how much we do love and care about each other. Funny when your both “fighting over” who will cater to whom. =)

        But  a lil farther back……. While my husband was working for another company a lil while ago, We were having financial problems due to the way the company was run. We had Pay roll checks bouncing causing us to be over drawn on a every pay check period PERIOD!  So, we have been constantly struggling to catch up, WHILE, being cheated on pay from insurance money that was held back to keep us on insurance that in fact did NOT pay for insurance at all. Come to find out last night not only was it for one time frame that was MONTHS, but it was also from another time frame a year ago! SO, Now we have bills rolling in from “not having insurance” On him and my self from er visits to dr visits and etc. All while I'm trying to prepare for the arrival of Daniel, Trying to keep in mind the expenses we could have(you will catch on to that later in a bit) I am  really a prepare your soil person to see what will grow later ………. All of this which I have kept in also. Which now we find out we will more than likely NEVER see the daylight of those 000.00’s ever again. (get it zeros??) =)

        So when you put all that together along with the waiting the three weeks to even be able to see and know more than I did…….  It had me at my wits end…………

        Mean while Constantly praying For the Lord God Almighty, to give me patience and strength and understandings. for all that is going on and all we are going through. NOT at all questioning his reasoning's but just praying for the break of day to come  and praying for us to Find some kind of answers on what to possibly expect and the out come from………….  Prayed for A forgiving heart, to not have hatred and a blackness over my heart for the one that has taken way from my babies, has taken money away from all of us who could really use it right now in these times. Prayed for sanity, seriously, because with out it I'm sure I would not be as ok as I am today and really I am NOT THAT OK!!!!!!

        Now Coming to todays  dr appointment……………

        Left the house around 11/1130… arrived at the scene (HAHA) at 1230. Signed in and sat in the lobby, filled out paper work, sat in the lobby more  griped about being so hot in the building that my lungs were hurting and I couldn’t breathe……. Sat in the hall way complaining that more women that are mothers should be smart and make their kids wear(well daughters wear) shorts under their dresses…….. why? cause even as a woman I find it inappropriate to have to look at another females, of ANY AGE , UNDERWEAR!!!
        Cant stand it!!! So, that all takes 1 hr and 15 mins, Thanks to GOD for my hubby who was playing pool with me LOLOLOL.

        Then……..10 mins behind the closed doors to get urine, and be asked are you diabetic … mean while im thinking should you fools know this. and why have I been asked 3 times already if I had prenatal care up until this point!?!?!?! SO needless to say K & I were beyond aggravated and ready to walk out of this place if they kept having to ask me why I was here and what was wrong with me I mean hello!!! was I the one that spend and wasted money apparently going to med school or nursing school!?!?!!?

        Then 15- 20 more mins doing my  history………. which would have been much more simple if they just say here the comp fill it out see ya soon!!!

        then about 20 mins sitting there nakie…. while they found out they had NO records for me…….. the drs office I came from did not send them, so they had no clue about the 24 hr urine… my diabetes. or anything current or previous from the twin pregnancy…… =-/ at this point I was more mad at the office that sent me away again…. for not preparing the office they sent me to that because of them not sending what they needed to even be able to work on me and know me more from  making this office look stupid and pointless………. was their fault to begin with…….. Then I started settling down a bit……..

        Well, Daniel’s heart rate is in the 140’s and good and strong…….. my cervix is still high and closed! YAY!!!!!!! That’s a great thing!!!  Had an NST(non stress test) Done while waiting for lab and for the chart from the other office……. oh and to hear from Galveston……. (get to that in a min)

        So the nst was good, No contractions, But we did know after the exam in the room before it that my fundus is measuring way high ( I kind of knew this wanted to punch a lady a few Sunday's ago from telling me how huge I was and how much bigger I am now than I was with the twins when they didn’t see me with the twins from my being on bed rest from weeks before now in this gestational age in this pregnancy…… people should really keep their mouths shut…. I'm touchy anyways but even more when pregnant!!! ANd since being at home I have found out they are worrying more about that because its not just a few weeks more that I am measuring oh no… looking up on wiki….. it shows this for …..Fundal heights......

        220px-Fundal_height_by_gestational_age

        Which in all honesty means where they felt it and where I feel it and feel Daniel most the time…. is showing that…… its 36 + weeks….. Im only supposed to be 29 weeks…… at this moment. that’s 7 weeks more than I should which is again NOT a good sign in some form or fashion….

         

        at this point we started talking about my sugars where they were out how I was trying to control them with out a dr for a month now…… how things have been going that I had to play the guessing games and trying to see what would be ok and what wouldn’t and that’s sure is hard when I have NO clue as to how to do insulin and have never been around anyone long enough to know what normal doses are…….  Which brought us to the truth……………

        When diabetes is left uncontrolled prior to and during pregnancy there is a much greater chance of there being complications with your pregnancy and baby, including:

        Many of these increased risks can be drastically reduced with well controlled blood sugar prior to pregnancy as well as during pregnancy. This can take time and care with you and your practitioner working together.------------------ honestly I feel like now I was not being heard from the beginning…….. I mean hell if friends think im full of shit for thinking im so bad off and them assuming that I think I have the worst of anyone……….. then maybe I NEVER AM HEARD!!!!!!

        I already knew from the last u/s about a two months ago that he was measuring bigger…… but now this……. the rapid weight gains…. with this…… is a lil much…….. it actually has my DH stopping and thinking a lot today. I think he knew I was possibly right with my gut but I also think he thought maybe I was over thinking like I usually do…… but its always for a reason ya’ll!!! always be prepared……….

        So, Thanks to talking about all that with the dr……. and I told her I had been worried since the beginning and I was  not understanding why the other “HIGH RISK” clinic wasn’t checking his heart and organs to see if they were whole and mature….. was driving me nuts and im always worried, she stated that maybe we should go to Galveston to get that top notch big huge machine ultrasound done….. Keith at this moment is IF its what we need to do dr, we will do it. ( I love my supportive amazing husband have I said that this blog yet?!?!)

        WEll…………. so the nst is done……. Looks fine thank God!

        Then its off to labs……. and to wait for word back on when we go to Galveston.(could have been Pasadena but really there is no difference!!!)

        Give blood, Love the lab tech! OH MY what a personality from that cutie!!!!!!!

        Then get told, after Galveston received my records, they are not happy? with where things are and what they see. it seems to them that information is missing and keeping them from making the right and informed decisions I need……. and they do NOT want to put off my coming down to see one of those drs…. So Now………. We have to go to UTMB Galveston Wednesday….. have to be there at 10 am……. =/ normal time is about 4 hrs on a trip to the beach (which is NOT where I am going =/) SO add in im preggers, Means I need to leave 5 hrs before hand in order to have ample potty breaks!!!!!!!

        Now…… my feelings on al this…..

        Im scared shitless…….(sorry for the expression but its true)
        All I can think about is…… 1. Something is major wrong, TO much fluid on my darling Daniel……. or hes not formed as he should be, that  there is something drastically wrong with him making my body go haywire………..( ok so that’s like 1a 1b 1 c etc…. sorry)
        Two…….. Something is majorly wrong with me… and maybe the only reason we know this… or will find this out is because I am pregnant with my darling Daniel, and…. its making my body freak out and making them wonder what is wrong with me…. (yeah several a b c’s there too LOL)

        Then its……. I’m scared I need to pack a bag, pack my phone charger…… and pray…… Pray they don’t want to put me in a room…… 4 hrs away from my babies that need me…… 4 hrs away from my husband whom I love and whom loves me and would do anything for me!!! leaving me alone…and scared… if I didn’t do good away from home for 8 days while keith stayed with me in the hospital…… I cant imagine what it will be like 4 hrs away from him and the babies…..

        Then part of me is mad…… if they couldn’t “fix:” me to begin with why did they waste my time……. letting me reach the 3rd tri ….. still being uncontrolled……

        then I thought,……….. will I need to make a detour on the way back (if im allowed to leave) and stop at the beach……… cause it might be the last time I see the beach ever?!?!?!Do I leave the kids here with mom?? (whom is staying the night tom to just be here when they wake and make it easier on them) or do I take them cause it might be the only time I can ever in my life enjoy the beach with them…………..

        and I know its not all about the twins………

        so then its………..

        What if they say I have to deliver?!?! I know they can make it from 28 weeks…… But……. What if he don’t?  what if I have to and he don’t make it?!?!? How do I bring my self to burry my baby? or what if he does?!?! Then I’d be lucky for real if he’d be home by his “due” date…… I’d be spending all holidays down in a nicu in GOD knows where, and where do I choose for them to send him if I have to? christus schumpert was amazing with the boys…… and so was TCH out of Houston……….. But I know Christus Does early babies……. etc.

        Lord, Do you all see what I go through in my head daily?!?!? and that NO its not getting any better?!?!

        I Have no clue what to expect….. I have no clue if they are going to keep sending me down towards Galveston or if its gonna be more of Nacogdoches…….  or where…….. I have no clue if I will get an ultrasound when I am down there cause I sure pray I do………..  I did skip the Palestine one today which is dang good cause I would not of had the energy for that and this…..

        So, Really Im reaching out to ya’ll Keith, Gabriel, Ezekiel Daniel and I all need your prayers……. Desperately……. I know God can make anything happen……… ANd I know its all in his hands…… But I really have no firmer thing to stand on right now other than God is my rock and my salvation!!!!!  He has given me beautiful 20 month old twins that I was blessed to carry, and blessed to help form and nurture for all these months………. and an amazing and handsome husband whom I have been with for almost 31 months……. That has been an inspiration, a joy,  a hand full =) my best friend and my companion…… (and many many more things) and …….. I don’t want them to lose me….. I know that sounds selfish…… But I don’t. =’(  I also need your prayers that if all goes fine and Daniel and I are good to go……. That I can find a dr that will literally accept the fact that I am thirty, And I know what I want……. I want a hysterectomy………. I want a full and complete one….. I want nothing left….. I want no chance at later in life hearing sorry hun, you have cancer of the uterus…… I want it gone!!!!!!!!! and I know that will be hard to find but that is what I want and I will be damned if I don’t get that done…… I have had enough joys and heart aches from carrying Gabriel and Ezekiel…………. and now carrying Daniel…… That I can tell you as much as I would love to over populate the world and have as many as God would let be possible…….. I’d rather NOT risk a chance again …. of something happening and my not being able to be around for my precious children and devoted husband…………..

        Thank you all …………. and sorry for ticking off or making cry…..

        Love and thanks………….

        D,E,G,K and Jessica <3<3

        Tuesday, October 2, 2012

        Every day prayers…………



        Its amazing how one lil blog can apparently tick people off and they be so scared…… they wont say a word to you.
        Well, Guess what…. Friend or foe…… I don’t care.  If you have a problem take it up with the Lord Almighty! I don’t have time for your non sense. While others are whining and complaining……. let me just tell you this… Today did not go much better than yesterday.
        Talked to the Dr’s. office I was seeing… they don’t want me to come in at my next scheduled appt. and they have set up my appt with UTMB (which is beyond dreadful to me) Its not till the 22nd. Which does not ease my fears any more. they stated that I should be fine. Well, People, I don’t just care about me, I care about my child I'm carrying, the one I feel moving, the one that my twins lay their head on and listen to….. Funny just a week or so ago, it was oh yes preterm labor is def going to happen……… but now its oh you are gonna be fine for three weeks with no drs that care about you or look towards you  and your child. Thanks. JUST THANKS!
        So, I called UTMB my self…….. sorry HUN (btw I totally hate being called HUN!!!!) that’s the closet we have… really… I'm totally still NOT controlled in sugars.  and just so yall know.. those other numbers I posted….. are life threatening……. Yes not just to me but to Daniel……… SO YEAH IM WORRIED!!! IM FREAKED!! AND YES I COULD CARE LESS IF YOU HURT FROM Something that happened a while ago and you should be over. I'm here in the present……  Waiting to see if it my kidneys are failing…… waiting to see if Daniel is forming properly… waiting to know if its going to have to be dialysis…… or what …….. Cause yes …… This is how bad I feel….. that’s how bad some of those numbers are………..  I DON’T WANT TO make my husband a widow at 32 years old……… and a single father of two… if we would be lucky 3….. So while you sit there on your pity pot….. just remember………. Its not all about you. And yes its not all about me. but right now on this BLOG, MY BLOG, It sure as HELL  is!!!!  If you don’t like this…… if you don’t like my thoughts, my feelings, my updates on my self, my husband  my children, then.. don’t follow me. Don’t read this. DON’T pretend you like me or want to be a friend. for GODs sake just delete me!!!
        Right now………. if I were to pass………. I would leave behind two beautiful twin boys who are only 19 months old and definitely could use a mother!!!!  I am their world…… I take care of them from sun up to sun down…….. I wake with them in the night. I make the bad go away……. (yes daddy does some too but again hes the working man in the house =D )
        Now, while every one sits and whines ….. and things how awful I am……. tell me this……
        How often does it go through your head……. what if this is the last time I get to bathe them??  Is this the last time I brush their teeth, and comb their hair…….. Yah you probablly think im full of it but I cant tell you all the questions that have gone though my mind in the last few weeks….. As tired as I was last night when Z woke up at 3:03 am… I shoved hubby outta bed to get him (takes me a while to get up now) and then I go up and held my baby. and love him, and gave him milk and just chilled on the couch snuggled under a blanket…….. thinking…… This might be one of the last late nights I get with them.  I cherished every stinking moment and even took pics….
        WP_000590
        Watching Baby First TV drinking milk and cuddling…….. best 3am night ever!
        People can be so selfish and so self involved all the time………. I personally just like to be Family involved. If it was just me …. Not pregnant, not married not with kids……. I probably wouldn’t think much about knowing there are probably decisions ahead I don’t want to face……. BUT, I am married to the one true love of my life……. I do have kids…….. I am pregnant…….. and yes…… that makes me family involved. Its not about me but what will happen if something happens to me. where will they be left at?!?
        You see I have my sniff their hair moments, and hold them as close as possible, and Don’t care to cook or clean id rather just sit and babble with them a while……….
        But then I think…….. What about K??? What will he be like and what will happen to him?  I have to say in a very selfish way…. I wouldn't want him to remarry…… I have seen his other choices and I would prefer my boys be raised by a single dad than have a possible horrid step mom who treats them wrong…… I would love to think I am the one true love of his life and he wouldn’t want to remarry for anything either……. But Would I want him destined to spend life alone………….. Not really…. Then What about his job? Would it be doable for him with the kids? being a single parent? Would he have to crawl back to his family to try to get added help?  Where would the boys be during the day? 
        Yes I actually think about these things all the time. IF you ever wonder why I am so quite its because I ponder everything………..
        Like this past week….. I can not tell a lie K and I had a spat…….  and oddly it came out on our anniversary…… He had been home for a week, no work just home helping cook and clean and take care of everything….. most women would be over joyed right? A man telling you hey just sit back relax, I GOT THIS (which I heard 50 times a day I promise) But it upset me. I was crushed. I didn’t want him doing all of that and taking care of all he did. I wanted to still be super mom pregnant or not. I like being super mom and super wife….. I love catering to my husband……. and taking care of our kids….. I love cooking a dinner and knowing he will come home smell it and he will devour it and appreciate the work that went into it. I hated waking up from a nap and him having tons of laundry done dinner cooked and the boys ready …….. I don’t want him to have to do these things. I want to always be here to do them…….. But, I know there will come a time that we cant always take care of each other….. I just don’t want that time to be now. Am I ready to meet the Lord God Almighty? WHY YES! But do I want to miss out on G & Z the Amazing? My miracles? my angels? NO! I waited my whole life to have kids and a husband that love me…….. Id rather not lose them now.
        Ok so, Lets just get off that subject….. SO the numbers……… just to put things in place let me tell you this.
        These are a few of the issues from protein in your urine………
            now, Maybe If you don’t care about what's going on with me… maybe this will at least make you stop and think I should cherish the small moments more often…. Like BRB got to lay my precious angels down to bed…..

            Back!!!
            So, The point is …… Life is short, Cherish every single moment…. Do NOT take anything for granted……. Friends, Family, loved ones, what ever even your  “haters” LOL  Seize the day! even if its just sitting in your pj’s all day watching cartoons and eating junk food with your loved ones…….. DO IT! and enjoy it to the fullest!!! I cant stop cherishing every moment and every smile I get from my kids………. and really…… I don’t want to!!!
              Ok so on to the rest of today sorry for my soap box ranting…………..
              I think I will take it upon my self to find myself an endocrinologist again. I think  it will benefit my self and Daniel majorly.  Also to make my soul and heart feel better, I’m getting a 3d ultrasound done on Monday….. I figure if I see my lil growing monkey Ill be able to handle the wait a lil better…… hopefully. SO….. 6 days til ultrasound and 20 days till new clinic…….. and I'm Steadily praying for silver lining in this rain cloud that is hovering over Daniel Reason and I………….
              Thanks ya’ll for listening to my dreaded pregnancy rants…. Just now after all this time I think blogging will be best for me….. release some stresses and calm the nerves if all else fails…… and the less stress the better.. 2 days worth of crying cant be any good for anyone right?!?! =-)
              Later Gators………….
              J <3

            Monday, October 1, 2012

            Living off a prayer……….

             

             

            Well, Some might think they know me all so well.

            Some might imagine or thing I have the most amazing perfect life and Oh how I believe others must envy me………..

            Never realizing unless you walk a mile in my shoes you will never understand……………….

            So Lets start with the easiest of places to begin.. my  Current and last pregnancy. Baby #3  I can pretty much tell you now things might get a lil TMI and if that’s how you feel don’t like, don’t share or pin or read… and sure don’t comment.

            I have been holding in so much its not funny.
            Most get beyond excited knowing they are expecting… at first I was…. Then it hit. all the what if’s.

            What if I have to be on bed rest???

            What if I have to be hospitalized???

            What will happen to the twins???

            What if I cant cook and take care of them like a mother should be able to??

            What happens when I am placed in hospital to birth this baby?

            What happens to the twins? where do they sleep? who cares for them? Can I trust others?

            Now I know most of you are thinking wow this chick must of lost it.  She is beyond over thinking…

            And this is where you become wrong in thinking you know me.

            My children have been watched from day one.(well more like day 18(even 27) for those that know the story) BY ME AND ONLY ME. My husband yes when he is home.  He is a great man that I am constantly and ever thankful for.  But He is the provider in our home, so he works and has never fully kept the kids. I have not and nor do I have plans to spend a night away from them. We have not had a baby sitter. And as of now in 19 months……. we have had my mother watch them only every so often so that we can get to the Dr. alone with out them or when they were smaller cause I still pay bills the old fashioned way here in town.

            Why have I been this protective you ask?  Well, it didn’t start by choice.  Really it started with people who have good intentions never ever ever following through, Oh I want to watch them and you get a date night. Oh bring them over here any time… Yeah.. and those are the ones your lucky if they were ever home and I do mean EVER! (btw you will learn we will have several run on sentences today and I wont give a crap I have to much going on right now.

            So, Being there is never a person to call……. and unless you really have a CPR certification  and lots of time with kids….. Really yes I would probably not let you watch them just because.  My kids are my world and I would do anything in my power to protect them.  Which comes down to yes this Mama knows best when it came to her sons.

            Ok. So now that is out of the way……

            My last menstrual period would have been March 30th…….

            Come April 17th I had a very strong gut feeling………. Hubby didn’t believe me this time… But I knew something was up.  after about 5 at home test….. then waiting another week or two to take more and make extra sure….. We found out I was correct. we were expecting a new bundle(or would it be bundles again) So, this is where the extra worrying comes in. I was already high risk with the twins, then got gestational diabetes…….. and preterm labor starting way early on leading to two rounds of bed rest 13-16 weeks and then again around 22/24 weeks up until the time of delivery at 34 weeks 5 days which there was no stopping………….

            Side note… I hate whiners……… which is why I have kept to my self so much about what has really been going on.
            Have not let many people know the full story………….

            Since our first appointments we have found out we are only expecting one joyful bundle this time. I kept saying it would be a boy, everyone else said it would be a girl…… I look like I will be right =) I believe we found this out end of July early August It’s a boy!
            And his name shall be Daniel…….. We have been stuck forever on a middle name and finally have come up with it. Reasoning for that and the reveling of it will come at the end of this blog.

            Well, From the get go I asked them to test my sugars, I was sure something was off. And sure enough, The gestational stuck around from the twins and now, I have full blown diabetes……
            we started with trying to eat right, lots of research and seeing a dietician (which I don’t really recommend.)

            From there we have now realized things are not going as well as they should.  On 9-10 The NP and I discussed it and decided it is best for me to take care of my self and Daniel by going on Insulin……  So, 70/30 insulin, syringes, alcohol preps, sharps container, my already new glucometer, strips, ouchie poker thingy…. were all becoming as much a part of my life as breathing.  This sent me in a downward spiral of depression. MAJOR. I cried non stop from the moment we agreed it was best for Daniel. From Monday through Friday When I could finally get in to see the diabetes educator To show me how to use the stuff, I cried. finally felt more comfortable after that. Been feeling ok giving my self the shots and stuff. Then come 9-24…. I had another appt, admitted I felt things were off and I was not sure what it was. My body had gained over 10 lbs in 2 weeks. and it was NOT from my eating I was puffy and felt funky, told her watch I had so many other issues with the twins watch me get preeclampsia this go round. So we did A1c, Iron, urine(which is done every visit at my dr) and then…. decided on  a 24 hr urine test…. which then meant I was going to have to give blood at the lab, then get the urine jug and then head home start the following morning and return it on Wednesday……. Oh this sounds fun right?!?! Ive been a nervous wreck.

            So, Called to check on things today, And, Im now such high risk with just one baby (yes this annoys me to a point) that I can no longer been seen by my wonderful drs at this clinic…… I am being sent to another clinic in another town.
            So for all those that whine… Oh I hurt, Oh the pain, Oh what if something happens, Oh this and oh that…… BITE THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!!!!! I have had nicu X2 babies already……… That is forever life changing………. and yes I will piss ppl off this this part im sure, But….  a miscarriage yeah it hurts, not as bad a losing a baby when you know you have to bury them. and sure as heck not when you go full term and have a still born……… I know all things are different for everyone……. But Then you think about all I went through with the twins, then having to have the nicu experience…….  and never knowing if I would see them the next time I could get there or not knowing if the phone would ring and I would hear Mrs.Mahanay…… WE are sad to tell you…………..

            And now…….. To know that From last week I was informed that yes…… WE will not have to schedule a csection for Daniel…… NO need in my worrying if they would let me birth him at 38 weeks due to the diabetes and all…….. No point in looking at dates because Honestly, hes going to just come when he wants to like the twins did. ….. That’s hard as HELL!!!!!  Hard as hell to think about to accept, to know….. Im only 26 weeks…… well by my standards. 2 weeks til I feel a lil more comfortable……… 10 weeks and I would be happy as heck!! but what I would really want is him to come after the 21st…… that’s 38 weeks…….. but I cant lie, Part of me prays for it but part of me knows that wont happen. and I hate when my gut knows!!!

            I knew I wasn’t strong when we went through the first NICU experience……….. and sure wasn’t when we went through the second……… But There is no way do I really believe that Keith nor my self…….. as a couple or as single parents can deal with a third. Praying hard and long all the days so that it might not happen……..  but Im scared. Im scared of all of this. Oh and just so you know I did find out why I cant see my drs and np’s any more and have to chance clinics…… im not just high risk any more im beyond that …….  the A1C lowered and is a tad bit better…. but its the proteins and the creatinine’s that are in my urine that are causing big huge problems. in short  lets say the left side  in the following numbers is where I should be but the right side is where I really am at…..

             

            84                           139

            150                         300

            75-115                     198

             

            and in a diabetic these are functions you need under control. lets just say that. and no need to go into which is what and why but…… yeah. these are usually not good sings for your kidneys…….. which I would love to keep …………………….

            So now you know the rest of the story. Why I do not let so much out on face book and I really truly keep to my self. I don’t need judges……… or people who want to share their stores (per say unless this was your situation idc.)…… I don’t want to hear other peoples whining. or stories or complaints…… who cares why what is going on… I have my self. a husband twins who need me here(and not in a grave) and a baby I'm trying to get to grow right….. and strong……. and healthy……

            So If I don’t post much…… or what I do post is something uplifting and inspirational picture wise…….. YOU NOW KNOW WHY. I feel if I need it then maybe just maybe someone else does too.
            Now……… I know that God has so many reasons for us to have been going through what we have been.  Reasons beyond our brains can think or handle more than likely. Reasons why a dear friends husband passed away from cancer…… and fought a long and hard battle all the way til the end……… He had a reason. He was a Reason for her to live……. He was a person who showed dedication in all he did. Great husband, great father Great son, Great provider……… hard worker. etc……….
            And looking at all I am going through to get Daniel here……. We realized after asking permission…… That….. There is a Reason……… Lots of reasons I should use the name that came to my mind when we finally came to a conclusion on why we need a middle name and how it needs to have a LOT of meaning……….

            Our soon to be addition will be named…………….
            Daniel Reason Mahanay

            Prayers for a healthy remainder in the pregnancy…… and for him to please not show his beautiful lil face until AT LEAST Dec 7th…… would be much appreciated….. VERY MUCH appreciated.

            Love from us all and thanks for letting me vent.
            J,K, E,G & Baby D.