Monday, October 1, 2012

Living off a prayer……….



Well, Some might think they know me all so well.

Some might imagine or thing I have the most amazing perfect life and Oh how I believe others must envy me………..

Never realizing unless you walk a mile in my shoes you will never understand……………….

So Lets start with the easiest of places to begin.. my  Current and last pregnancy. Baby #3  I can pretty much tell you now things might get a lil TMI and if that’s how you feel don’t like, don’t share or pin or read… and sure don’t comment.

I have been holding in so much its not funny.
Most get beyond excited knowing they are expecting… at first I was…. Then it hit. all the what if’s.

What if I have to be on bed rest???

What if I have to be hospitalized???

What will happen to the twins???

What if I cant cook and take care of them like a mother should be able to??

What happens when I am placed in hospital to birth this baby?

What happens to the twins? where do they sleep? who cares for them? Can I trust others?

Now I know most of you are thinking wow this chick must of lost it.  She is beyond over thinking…

And this is where you become wrong in thinking you know me.

My children have been watched from day one.(well more like day 18(even 27) for those that know the story) BY ME AND ONLY ME. My husband yes when he is home.  He is a great man that I am constantly and ever thankful for.  But He is the provider in our home, so he works and has never fully kept the kids. I have not and nor do I have plans to spend a night away from them. We have not had a baby sitter. And as of now in 19 months……. we have had my mother watch them only every so often so that we can get to the Dr. alone with out them or when they were smaller cause I still pay bills the old fashioned way here in town.

Why have I been this protective you ask?  Well, it didn’t start by choice.  Really it started with people who have good intentions never ever ever following through, Oh I want to watch them and you get a date night. Oh bring them over here any time… Yeah.. and those are the ones your lucky if they were ever home and I do mean EVER! (btw you will learn we will have several run on sentences today and I wont give a crap I have to much going on right now.

So, Being there is never a person to call……. and unless you really have a CPR certification  and lots of time with kids….. Really yes I would probably not let you watch them just because.  My kids are my world and I would do anything in my power to protect them.  Which comes down to yes this Mama knows best when it came to her sons.

Ok. So now that is out of the way……

My last menstrual period would have been March 30th…….

Come April 17th I had a very strong gut feeling………. Hubby didn’t believe me this time… But I knew something was up.  after about 5 at home test….. then waiting another week or two to take more and make extra sure….. We found out I was correct. we were expecting a new bundle(or would it be bundles again) So, this is where the extra worrying comes in. I was already high risk with the twins, then got gestational diabetes…….. and preterm labor starting way early on leading to two rounds of bed rest 13-16 weeks and then again around 22/24 weeks up until the time of delivery at 34 weeks 5 days which there was no stopping………….

Side note… I hate whiners……… which is why I have kept to my self so much about what has really been going on.
Have not let many people know the full story………….

Since our first appointments we have found out we are only expecting one joyful bundle this time. I kept saying it would be a boy, everyone else said it would be a girl…… I look like I will be right =) I believe we found this out end of July early August It’s a boy!
And his name shall be Daniel…….. We have been stuck forever on a middle name and finally have come up with it. Reasoning for that and the reveling of it will come at the end of this blog.

Well, From the get go I asked them to test my sugars, I was sure something was off. And sure enough, The gestational stuck around from the twins and now, I have full blown diabetes……
we started with trying to eat right, lots of research and seeing a dietician (which I don’t really recommend.)

From there we have now realized things are not going as well as they should.  On 9-10 The NP and I discussed it and decided it is best for me to take care of my self and Daniel by going on Insulin……  So, 70/30 insulin, syringes, alcohol preps, sharps container, my already new glucometer, strips, ouchie poker thingy…. were all becoming as much a part of my life as breathing.  This sent me in a downward spiral of depression. MAJOR. I cried non stop from the moment we agreed it was best for Daniel. From Monday through Friday When I could finally get in to see the diabetes educator To show me how to use the stuff, I cried. finally felt more comfortable after that. Been feeling ok giving my self the shots and stuff. Then come 9-24…. I had another appt, admitted I felt things were off and I was not sure what it was. My body had gained over 10 lbs in 2 weeks. and it was NOT from my eating I was puffy and felt funky, told her watch I had so many other issues with the twins watch me get preeclampsia this go round. So we did A1c, Iron, urine(which is done every visit at my dr) and then…. decided on  a 24 hr urine test…. which then meant I was going to have to give blood at the lab, then get the urine jug and then head home start the following morning and return it on Wednesday……. Oh this sounds fun right?!?! Ive been a nervous wreck.

So, Called to check on things today, And, Im now such high risk with just one baby (yes this annoys me to a point) that I can no longer been seen by my wonderful drs at this clinic…… I am being sent to another clinic in another town.
So for all those that whine… Oh I hurt, Oh the pain, Oh what if something happens, Oh this and oh that…… BITE THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!!!!! I have had nicu X2 babies already……… That is forever life changing………. and yes I will piss ppl off this this part im sure, But….  a miscarriage yeah it hurts, not as bad a losing a baby when you know you have to bury them. and sure as heck not when you go full term and have a still born……… I know all things are different for everyone……. But Then you think about all I went through with the twins, then having to have the nicu experience…….  and never knowing if I would see them the next time I could get there or not knowing if the phone would ring and I would hear Mrs.Mahanay…… WE are sad to tell you…………..

And now…….. To know that From last week I was informed that yes…… WE will not have to schedule a csection for Daniel…… NO need in my worrying if they would let me birth him at 38 weeks due to the diabetes and all…….. No point in looking at dates because Honestly, hes going to just come when he wants to like the twins did. ….. That’s hard as HELL!!!!!  Hard as hell to think about to accept, to know….. Im only 26 weeks…… well by my standards. 2 weeks til I feel a lil more comfortable……… 10 weeks and I would be happy as heck!! but what I would really want is him to come after the 21st…… that’s 38 weeks…….. but I cant lie, Part of me prays for it but part of me knows that wont happen. and I hate when my gut knows!!!

I knew I wasn’t strong when we went through the first NICU experience……….. and sure wasn’t when we went through the second……… But There is no way do I really believe that Keith nor my self…….. as a couple or as single parents can deal with a third. Praying hard and long all the days so that it might not happen……..  but Im scared. Im scared of all of this. Oh and just so you know I did find out why I cant see my drs and np’s any more and have to chance clinics…… im not just high risk any more im beyond that …….  the A1C lowered and is a tad bit better…. but its the proteins and the creatinine’s that are in my urine that are causing big huge problems. in short  lets say the left side  in the following numbers is where I should be but the right side is where I really am at…..


84                           139

150                         300

75-115                     198


and in a diabetic these are functions you need under control. lets just say that. and no need to go into which is what and why but…… yeah. these are usually not good sings for your kidneys…….. which I would love to keep …………………….

So now you know the rest of the story. Why I do not let so much out on face book and I really truly keep to my self. I don’t need judges……… or people who want to share their stores (per say unless this was your situation idc.)…… I don’t want to hear other peoples whining. or stories or complaints…… who cares why what is going on… I have my self. a husband twins who need me here(and not in a grave) and a baby I'm trying to get to grow right….. and strong……. and healthy……

So If I don’t post much…… or what I do post is something uplifting and inspirational picture wise…….. YOU NOW KNOW WHY. I feel if I need it then maybe just maybe someone else does too.
Now……… I know that God has so many reasons for us to have been going through what we have been.  Reasons beyond our brains can think or handle more than likely. Reasons why a dear friends husband passed away from cancer…… and fought a long and hard battle all the way til the end……… He had a reason. He was a Reason for her to live……. He was a person who showed dedication in all he did. Great husband, great father Great son, Great provider……… hard worker. etc……….
And looking at all I am going through to get Daniel here……. We realized after asking permission…… That….. There is a Reason……… Lots of reasons I should use the name that came to my mind when we finally came to a conclusion on why we need a middle name and how it needs to have a LOT of meaning……….

Our soon to be addition will be named…………….
Daniel Reason Mahanay

Prayers for a healthy remainder in the pregnancy…… and for him to please not show his beautiful lil face until AT LEAST Dec 7th…… would be much appreciated….. VERY MUCH appreciated.

Love from us all and thanks for letting me vent.
J,K, E,G & Baby D.

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