Petrified…. and I don’t mean wood……..

I'm starting to swear I feel Like I'm in  room with NO light of day……. Its just pitch black…… No signs of life…….. no  Light switch to make it all brighter so that I can see what is happening or going on around me….. I don’t even hear screams or hollers from others…. Its just a tiny(yeah right not holding me!!)Pitch black room with no windows, no doors, no trap doors, no exits, no people, no NOTHING!  I swear I want the tears to end! Its all I have done for weeks, Cant be good adding stresses…….. to my self and Daniel………………. Right?!?!?!!?!
So Right now your wondering Hey! Wait! She’s blogging? IN THE MORNING?!?!?!?!
Well, Lets just say I have already had a call from UTMB-NAC………..  They have rearranged and rescheduled other patients. (yes apparently putting me before others…… something I an not used to and NOT wanting!!! I SWEAR )…………. As Bonnie my nursey said… rearranging the world for me.
Now……. We will be headed down Today…… have to have hubby home probably around 3…… which already looks like its going to be hard to accomplish…. pack some stuff……. (yes I was suggested to pack a bag just in cause…… But she stated that its not in their plans to keep me…. but then again… who really knows… she said better safe than sorry when driving so far..)
Need to be down there and “checked” in by nine pm……. they will provide meals for me but not for Keith( back to money being an issue now oh yay)…………….
I will be at appointments starting at 9am…… =-/ 
The level 2 ultrasound to look deeply at Daniel and see if anything is wrong(which is really scaring me!!!) apparently some kind of Genetic counseling……… which scares the day lights out of me because if you know my I deny taking those test……. I refuse!!!
And speaking of that on the way home yesterday I was talking with Keith……. stating that I'm still not a happy person when it comes to women always saying oh I just want a happy healthy baby…… a happy pregnancy…… I wouldn’t wish these issues and not knowing things on anyone…. But…………
Again…… stop the lying. Unless you would NOT love your baby if something was wrong with them … then don’t freaking say that…… I told Keith yesterday………. honestly at this point as Long as he could come out breathing and ok….. I wouldn’t care if his fingers/toes were webbed………… I wouldn’t care if he has 12 of them………. I don’t need the “stepford baby” I don’t need the “perfect” baby!!! I NEED MY DANIEL REASON MAHANAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I need MY BABY!!! That’s it!!!!
Ok off that rant…. sorry for that…… and then the high risk drs at around 10 am……… I will be from the 3rd floor to the 7th floor of this building…… Well I guess we will……. my honey will be by my side……..
Was told by the nurse that We should know more by at least noon tomorrow…. before I leave there I guess…..  she was trying to sound reassuring…… which just made the tears start flowing more…………  All I can say is…….
Other than nicu…(and I do not count that now…) I have not spent a night away from my twinks!!! And already knowing I wont be here to put them to bed. tonight……. or to wake them up first thing in the am.. with their sweet sweet chatter and those amazing smiles……. is beyond breaking my heart at the moment!!!!!!! I know God Gives us only what we can handle…….. But I feel so small…….. (yet I know he is so mighty) I feel so weak…….(yet I know he is strong) I feel……… like I'm breaking……. like I’m  starting to really just crack……. And I swear. I have so been trying to stay strong……. But you know its bad when your honey just holds you With tears streaming, Cause he's petrified too!! Petrified of losing you………….. and Losing Daniel…… Seeing my strong confidant man doing that……….. breaks me even more…….. and kills me……….
Please continue prayers……. we all really appreciate them………. Thanks Loves!
Jessica & Daniel…………………

small moments later update............. a friend liked a pic on facebook..... so the lovely person in me stole it LMAO....... and here it is.... if this doesn't speak to me feeling alone (which i already knew i wasn't) then i don't know what would!!!