Monday, October 22, 2012

10/22/12……. And…. still… Nothing!

So, As I sit here taking some moments for my self but sadly taking moments away from being with my babies…… I’m pondering what all has gone on in the last three weeks……….

I can promise you this, If it was not for my faith…… I would be locked up and tied up some where by now I’m  sure.

If we start where I kind of last left off, you will understand better than at the moment if I just started with where I am and where we are headed.

Well, Its been very touchy.  I have been very emotional, Cried every day,  My poor husband has had to deal with such sensitivity, such emotional roller coaster-ness I cant even tell you how he is putting up with me and/or why he is still around. I have been the cause of so many spats, and arguments and disagreements, and random I’m mad at you because of’s and you looked at me wrong moments that it has almost been unbearable.  And yesterday was the worst of all my moments, Today was approaching way to fast for me to be comfortable… So, I was the witch of all witches most of the day!!!
Between the pregnancy hormones, my hormones Seriously being way worse than when I was pregnant with the kids, My poor darling husband had NO chance against the tornado like winds of emotion. WE cried we laughed we could of screamed and probably killed each other (totally used for explaining how bad I was and I made it when it is NOT AT ALL WHAT WE WOULD OF DONE!!!) Then all the night all we did was cuddle and love on each other in a means to show how much we do love and care about each other. Funny when your both “fighting over” who will cater to whom. =)

But  a lil farther back……. While my husband was working for another company a lil while ago, We were having financial problems due to the way the company was run. We had Pay roll checks bouncing causing us to be over drawn on a every pay check period PERIOD!  So, we have been constantly struggling to catch up, WHILE, being cheated on pay from insurance money that was held back to keep us on insurance that in fact did NOT pay for insurance at all. Come to find out last night not only was it for one time frame that was MONTHS, but it was also from another time frame a year ago! SO, Now we have bills rolling in from “not having insurance” On him and my self from er visits to dr visits and etc. All while I'm trying to prepare for the arrival of Daniel, Trying to keep in mind the expenses we could have(you will catch on to that later in a bit) I am  really a prepare your soil person to see what will grow later ………. All of this which I have kept in also. Which now we find out we will more than likely NEVER see the daylight of those 000.00’s ever again. (get it zeros??) =)

So when you put all that together along with the waiting the three weeks to even be able to see and know more than I did…….  It had me at my wits end…………

Mean while Constantly praying For the Lord God Almighty, to give me patience and strength and understandings. for all that is going on and all we are going through. NOT at all questioning his reasoning's but just praying for the break of day to come  and praying for us to Find some kind of answers on what to possibly expect and the out come from………….  Prayed for A forgiving heart, to not have hatred and a blackness over my heart for the one that has taken way from my babies, has taken money away from all of us who could really use it right now in these times. Prayed for sanity, seriously, because with out it I'm sure I would not be as ok as I am today and really I am NOT THAT OK!!!!!!

Now Coming to todays  dr appointment……………

Left the house around 11/1130… arrived at the scene (HAHA) at 1230. Signed in and sat in the lobby, filled out paper work, sat in the lobby more  griped about being so hot in the building that my lungs were hurting and I couldn’t breathe……. Sat in the hall way complaining that more women that are mothers should be smart and make their kids wear(well daughters wear) shorts under their dresses…….. why? cause even as a woman I find it inappropriate to have to look at another females, of ANY AGE , UNDERWEAR!!!
Cant stand it!!! So, that all takes 1 hr and 15 mins, Thanks to GOD for my hubby who was playing pool with me LOLOLOL.

Then……..10 mins behind the closed doors to get urine, and be asked are you diabetic … mean while im thinking should you fools know this. and why have I been asked 3 times already if I had prenatal care up until this point!?!?!?! SO needless to say K & I were beyond aggravated and ready to walk out of this place if they kept having to ask me why I was here and what was wrong with me I mean hello!!! was I the one that spend and wasted money apparently going to med school or nursing school!?!?!!?

Then 15- 20 more mins doing my  history………. which would have been much more simple if they just say here the comp fill it out see ya soon!!!

then about 20 mins sitting there nakie…. while they found out they had NO records for me…….. the drs office I came from did not send them, so they had no clue about the 24 hr urine… my diabetes. or anything current or previous from the twin pregnancy…… =-/ at this point I was more mad at the office that sent me away again…. for not preparing the office they sent me to that because of them not sending what they needed to even be able to work on me and know me more from  making this office look stupid and pointless………. was their fault to begin with…….. Then I started settling down a bit……..

Well, Daniel’s heart rate is in the 140’s and good and strong…….. my cervix is still high and closed! YAY!!!!!!! That’s a great thing!!!  Had an NST(non stress test) Done while waiting for lab and for the chart from the other office……. oh and to hear from Galveston……. (get to that in a min)

So the nst was good, No contractions, But we did know after the exam in the room before it that my fundus is measuring way high ( I kind of knew this wanted to punch a lady a few Sunday's ago from telling me how huge I was and how much bigger I am now than I was with the twins when they didn’t see me with the twins from my being on bed rest from weeks before now in this gestational age in this pregnancy…… people should really keep their mouths shut…. I'm touchy anyways but even more when pregnant!!! ANd since being at home I have found out they are worrying more about that because its not just a few weeks more that I am measuring oh no… looking up on wiki….. it shows this for …..Fundal heights......

220px-Fundal_height_by_gestational_age

Which in all honesty means where they felt it and where I feel it and feel Daniel most the time…. is showing that…… its 36 + weeks….. Im only supposed to be 29 weeks…… at this moment. that’s 7 weeks more than I should which is again NOT a good sign in some form or fashion….

 

at this point we started talking about my sugars where they were out how I was trying to control them with out a dr for a month now…… how things have been going that I had to play the guessing games and trying to see what would be ok and what wouldn’t and that’s sure is hard when I have NO clue as to how to do insulin and have never been around anyone long enough to know what normal doses are…….  Which brought us to the truth……………

When diabetes is left uncontrolled prior to and during pregnancy there is a much greater chance of there being complications with your pregnancy and baby, including:

Many of these increased risks can be drastically reduced with well controlled blood sugar prior to pregnancy as well as during pregnancy. This can take time and care with you and your practitioner working together.------------------ honestly I feel like now I was not being heard from the beginning…….. I mean hell if friends think im full of shit for thinking im so bad off and them assuming that I think I have the worst of anyone……….. then maybe I NEVER AM HEARD!!!!!!

I already knew from the last u/s about a two months ago that he was measuring bigger…… but now this……. the rapid weight gains…. with this…… is a lil much…….. it actually has my DH stopping and thinking a lot today. I think he knew I was possibly right with my gut but I also think he thought maybe I was over thinking like I usually do…… but its always for a reason ya’ll!!! always be prepared……….

So, Thanks to talking about all that with the dr……. and I told her I had been worried since the beginning and I was  not understanding why the other “HIGH RISK” clinic wasn’t checking his heart and organs to see if they were whole and mature….. was driving me nuts and im always worried, she stated that maybe we should go to Galveston to get that top notch big huge machine ultrasound done….. Keith at this moment is IF its what we need to do dr, we will do it. ( I love my supportive amazing husband have I said that this blog yet?!?!)

WEll…………. so the nst is done……. Looks fine thank God!

Then its off to labs……. and to wait for word back on when we go to Galveston.(could have been Pasadena but really there is no difference!!!)

Give blood, Love the lab tech! OH MY what a personality from that cutie!!!!!!!

Then get told, after Galveston received my records, they are not happy? with where things are and what they see. it seems to them that information is missing and keeping them from making the right and informed decisions I need……. and they do NOT want to put off my coming down to see one of those drs…. So Now………. We have to go to UTMB Galveston Wednesday….. have to be there at 10 am……. =/ normal time is about 4 hrs on a trip to the beach (which is NOT where I am going =/) SO add in im preggers, Means I need to leave 5 hrs before hand in order to have ample potty breaks!!!!!!!

Now…… my feelings on al this…..

Im scared shitless…….(sorry for the expression but its true)
All I can think about is…… 1. Something is major wrong, TO much fluid on my darling Daniel……. or hes not formed as he should be, that  there is something drastically wrong with him making my body go haywire………..( ok so that’s like 1a 1b 1 c etc…. sorry)
Two…….. Something is majorly wrong with me… and maybe the only reason we know this… or will find this out is because I am pregnant with my darling Daniel, and…. its making my body freak out and making them wonder what is wrong with me…. (yeah several a b c’s there too LOL)

Then its……. I’m scared I need to pack a bag, pack my phone charger…… and pray…… Pray they don’t want to put me in a room…… 4 hrs away from my babies that need me…… 4 hrs away from my husband whom I love and whom loves me and would do anything for me!!! leaving me alone…and scared… if I didn’t do good away from home for 8 days while keith stayed with me in the hospital…… I cant imagine what it will be like 4 hrs away from him and the babies…..

Then part of me is mad…… if they couldn’t “fix:” me to begin with why did they waste my time……. letting me reach the 3rd tri ….. still being uncontrolled……

then I thought,……….. will I need to make a detour on the way back (if im allowed to leave) and stop at the beach……… cause it might be the last time I see the beach ever?!?!?!Do I leave the kids here with mom?? (whom is staying the night tom to just be here when they wake and make it easier on them) or do I take them cause it might be the only time I can ever in my life enjoy the beach with them…………..

and I know its not all about the twins………

so then its………..

What if they say I have to deliver?!?! I know they can make it from 28 weeks…… But……. What if he don’t?  what if I have to and he don’t make it?!?!? How do I bring my self to burry my baby? or what if he does?!?! Then I’d be lucky for real if he’d be home by his “due” date…… I’d be spending all holidays down in a nicu in GOD knows where, and where do I choose for them to send him if I have to? christus schumpert was amazing with the boys…… and so was TCH out of Houston……….. But I know Christus Does early babies……. etc.

Lord, Do you all see what I go through in my head daily?!?!? and that NO its not getting any better?!?!

I Have no clue what to expect….. I have no clue if they are going to keep sending me down towards Galveston or if its gonna be more of Nacogdoches…….  or where…….. I have no clue if I will get an ultrasound when I am down there cause I sure pray I do………..  I did skip the Palestine one today which is dang good cause I would not of had the energy for that and this…..

So, Really Im reaching out to ya’ll Keith, Gabriel, Ezekiel Daniel and I all need your prayers……. Desperately……. I know God can make anything happen……… ANd I know its all in his hands…… But I really have no firmer thing to stand on right now other than God is my rock and my salvation!!!!!  He has given me beautiful 20 month old twins that I was blessed to carry, and blessed to help form and nurture for all these months………. and an amazing and handsome husband whom I have been with for almost 31 months……. That has been an inspiration, a joy,  a hand full =) my best friend and my companion…… (and many many more things) and …….. I don’t want them to lose me….. I know that sounds selfish…… But I don’t. =’(  I also need your prayers that if all goes fine and Daniel and I are good to go……. That I can find a dr that will literally accept the fact that I am thirty, And I know what I want……. I want a hysterectomy………. I want a full and complete one….. I want nothing left….. I want no chance at later in life hearing sorry hun, you have cancer of the uterus…… I want it gone!!!!!!!!! and I know that will be hard to find but that is what I want and I will be damned if I don’t get that done…… I have had enough joys and heart aches from carrying Gabriel and Ezekiel…………. and now carrying Daniel…… That I can tell you as much as I would love to over populate the world and have as many as God would let be possible…….. I’d rather NOT risk a chance again …. of something happening and my not being able to be around for my precious children and devoted husband…………..

Thank you all …………. and sorry for ticking off or making cry…..

Love and thanks………….

D,E,G,K and Jessica <3<3

2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks C!!!!!! That means the world to me!!! Loves you!!!!!!!

      Delete