Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Every day prayers…………



Its amazing how one lil blog can apparently tick people off and they be so scared…… they wont say a word to you.
Well, Guess what…. Friend or foe…… I don’t care.  If you have a problem take it up with the Lord Almighty! I don’t have time for your non sense. While others are whining and complaining……. let me just tell you this… Today did not go much better than yesterday.
Talked to the Dr’s. office I was seeing… they don’t want me to come in at my next scheduled appt. and they have set up my appt with UTMB (which is beyond dreadful to me) Its not till the 22nd. Which does not ease my fears any more. they stated that I should be fine. Well, People, I don’t just care about me, I care about my child I'm carrying, the one I feel moving, the one that my twins lay their head on and listen to….. Funny just a week or so ago, it was oh yes preterm labor is def going to happen……… but now its oh you are gonna be fine for three weeks with no drs that care about you or look towards you  and your child. Thanks. JUST THANKS!
So, I called UTMB my self…….. sorry HUN (btw I totally hate being called HUN!!!!) that’s the closet we have… really… I'm totally still NOT controlled in sugars.  and just so yall know.. those other numbers I posted….. are life threatening……. Yes not just to me but to Daniel……… SO YEAH IM WORRIED!!! IM FREAKED!! AND YES I COULD CARE LESS IF YOU HURT FROM Something that happened a while ago and you should be over. I'm here in the present……  Waiting to see if it my kidneys are failing…… waiting to see if Daniel is forming properly… waiting to know if its going to have to be dialysis…… or what …….. Cause yes …… This is how bad I feel….. that’s how bad some of those numbers are………..  I DON’T WANT TO make my husband a widow at 32 years old……… and a single father of two… if we would be lucky 3….. So while you sit there on your pity pot….. just remember………. Its not all about you. And yes its not all about me. but right now on this BLOG, MY BLOG, It sure as HELL  is!!!!  If you don’t like this…… if you don’t like my thoughts, my feelings, my updates on my self, my husband  my children, then.. don’t follow me. Don’t read this. DON’T pretend you like me or want to be a friend. for GODs sake just delete me!!!
Right now………. if I were to pass………. I would leave behind two beautiful twin boys who are only 19 months old and definitely could use a mother!!!!  I am their world…… I take care of them from sun up to sun down…….. I wake with them in the night. I make the bad go away……. (yes daddy does some too but again hes the working man in the house =D )
Now, while every one sits and whines ….. and things how awful I am……. tell me this……
How often does it go through your head……. what if this is the last time I get to bathe them??  Is this the last time I brush their teeth, and comb their hair…….. Yah you probablly think im full of it but I cant tell you all the questions that have gone though my mind in the last few weeks….. As tired as I was last night when Z woke up at 3:03 am… I shoved hubby outta bed to get him (takes me a while to get up now) and then I go up and held my baby. and love him, and gave him milk and just chilled on the couch snuggled under a blanket…….. thinking…… This might be one of the last late nights I get with them.  I cherished every stinking moment and even took pics….
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Watching Baby First TV drinking milk and cuddling…….. best 3am night ever!
People can be so selfish and so self involved all the time………. I personally just like to be Family involved. If it was just me …. Not pregnant, not married not with kids……. I probably wouldn’t think much about knowing there are probably decisions ahead I don’t want to face……. BUT, I am married to the one true love of my life……. I do have kids…….. I am pregnant…….. and yes…… that makes me family involved. Its not about me but what will happen if something happens to me. where will they be left at?!?
You see I have my sniff their hair moments, and hold them as close as possible, and Don’t care to cook or clean id rather just sit and babble with them a while……….
But then I think…….. What about K??? What will he be like and what will happen to him?  I have to say in a very selfish way…. I wouldn't want him to remarry…… I have seen his other choices and I would prefer my boys be raised by a single dad than have a possible horrid step mom who treats them wrong…… I would love to think I am the one true love of his life and he wouldn’t want to remarry for anything either……. But Would I want him destined to spend life alone………….. Not really…. Then What about his job? Would it be doable for him with the kids? being a single parent? Would he have to crawl back to his family to try to get added help?  Where would the boys be during the day? 
Yes I actually think about these things all the time. IF you ever wonder why I am so quite its because I ponder everything………..
Like this past week….. I can not tell a lie K and I had a spat…….  and oddly it came out on our anniversary…… He had been home for a week, no work just home helping cook and clean and take care of everything….. most women would be over joyed right? A man telling you hey just sit back relax, I GOT THIS (which I heard 50 times a day I promise) But it upset me. I was crushed. I didn’t want him doing all of that and taking care of all he did. I wanted to still be super mom pregnant or not. I like being super mom and super wife….. I love catering to my husband……. and taking care of our kids….. I love cooking a dinner and knowing he will come home smell it and he will devour it and appreciate the work that went into it. I hated waking up from a nap and him having tons of laundry done dinner cooked and the boys ready …….. I don’t want him to have to do these things. I want to always be here to do them…….. But, I know there will come a time that we cant always take care of each other….. I just don’t want that time to be now. Am I ready to meet the Lord God Almighty? WHY YES! But do I want to miss out on G & Z the Amazing? My miracles? my angels? NO! I waited my whole life to have kids and a husband that love me…….. Id rather not lose them now.
Ok so, Lets just get off that subject….. SO the numbers……… just to put things in place let me tell you this.
These are a few of the issues from protein in your urine………
      now, Maybe If you don’t care about what's going on with me… maybe this will at least make you stop and think I should cherish the small moments more often…. Like BRB got to lay my precious angels down to bed…..

      Back!!!
      So, The point is …… Life is short, Cherish every single moment…. Do NOT take anything for granted……. Friends, Family, loved ones, what ever even your  “haters” LOL  Seize the day! even if its just sitting in your pj’s all day watching cartoons and eating junk food with your loved ones…….. DO IT! and enjoy it to the fullest!!! I cant stop cherishing every moment and every smile I get from my kids………. and really…… I don’t want to!!!
        Ok so on to the rest of today sorry for my soap box ranting…………..
        I think I will take it upon my self to find myself an endocrinologist again. I think  it will benefit my self and Daniel majorly.  Also to make my soul and heart feel better, I’m getting a 3d ultrasound done on Monday….. I figure if I see my lil growing monkey Ill be able to handle the wait a lil better…… hopefully. SO….. 6 days til ultrasound and 20 days till new clinic…….. and I'm Steadily praying for silver lining in this rain cloud that is hovering over Daniel Reason and I………….
        Thanks ya’ll for listening to my dreaded pregnancy rants…. Just now after all this time I think blogging will be best for me….. release some stresses and calm the nerves if all else fails…… and the less stress the better.. 2 days worth of crying cant be any good for anyone right?!?! =-)
        Later Gators………….
        J <3

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