Wednesday, February 12, 2014
The Phoenix inside
Today, I was realizing, I am in my own transformation. Again of course. It seems I am a Phoenix. Or maybe that My soul is a Phoenix. IDK. One way or another. I feel I am in a transformation process again.
For those that might not know what the mythological Phoenix is, here is the back story real quick like.
A phoenix is a mythical bird that is a fire spirit with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self. It is said that the bird's cry is that of a beautiful song. The Phoenix's ability to be reborn from its own ashes implies that it is immortal.
Now that we have had a history lesson in Mythology.......... Let me continue to build my nest......
Just 4 short months ago, we were in the midst of packing and preparing to move. I knew it was going to be a lot of adjustment for the 5 of us. I just did not realize what kind of journey I was being put into at that moment.
Well, We had tons of drama follow us.......... And I knew that was coming. But now...... most of that is done and I have had time to think more and more about the people the friends and so called friends the family and the adopted family, in laws and out laws, churches, and church members, Child hood friends to new ones, decisions made, things left unsaid or just never said to never hurt another, things said, thoughts thought, rumors.... well You get the Idea!
For me this is going to be my moment of building my nest. and setting it on fire...........
I hold on to so much, and hold too much in.
I am tired of Never completely letting go and always having hurt. So with out any names or what ever Im going to release all from my torture chamber that is in my heart.
From Youth and teenage years:
Friends came and went, People talked trash, I was hurt. before ever being active..... in a private manner, I was talked about. my name smeared. people had a certain thought about me......... no matter what I did or didnt do. Church members hurt me by not standing by me. Friends parted ways from me. a Good guy that was interested in my turned his back ....... Oh all this was just in Crockett!
You get to Grapeland and things were a lil better. but people still had their issues. they still talked
Its amazing how small minded kids are and that you know stuff like that also comes from their parents! Bullying isnt a new thing. all this is bullying. I went to the prom looking like a movie star....... but what was said was more like i looked like a porn star! That is something that would never make sense to me! I was clothed and practically covered. but others were in barely nothing.
I have been blamed over the years for a loss of friend ship with other females. Always amazed me how I could never get along with girls...... always could talk and confide in men though!
Then there were friends that were married when i was not, and had kids when i didn't. So I thought in my mind when i get to the place they are in...... things will be different..... Talk about having the Rudolph the reindeer syndrome! I wasn't allowed to play in their reindeer games........... even after being married and having kids.
And let me just mention...... since bringing up kids...... I have been very blessed, in many ways. My kids are phenomenal! Even with all the added stresses during pregnancies and nicu stays We were SO blessed by our Father God!
And things that bothered me though. well, really no family caring to see the kids in nicu. I know they were far away but I think about if they even would of felt guilt or pain heck even shame if something would of turned out different with the kids!
I have totally changed my mind about baby showers. I personally might not ever really attend one...... I don't really do it on purpose. I mean I felt bad for a church member years ago when she was pregnant with her son cause no one came. And I guess at least her (our) Church put effort into hers. made her feel special on that day and helped with the things for the baby boy. I am not sure If i really have ever been more disappointed than When pregnant with my twins. I mean for Gods sake IT WAS TWINS! I can say if it wasn't for two of my very best most amazing women/friends/sisters That btw I have never ever met in person! we only have talked on like for what seems like a million years now! They were there for me, and my babies, and my husband in so many ways I love these two women and their families so much its not even funny, and trust me its not cause of money, or gifts, its for the shoulder they lend, the listening ears. and the love in their hearts! They are just plain amazing!
And Gees, lets get me started on Reason, he wasn't even important enough for anyone to bat an eye lash at And that my loves is why .... I took it upon my self to get him every single dang thing I wanted for him WITH OUT help from outsiders!
So, yeah, baby showers........ and I do not get along. Probably never will. Yes each child is special....... and sure they might deserve their day, but after one, unless its multiples, just do a dang diaper shower and call it that. If having multiples as a first wasn't important to anyone.. then yup. I'm over showers, bridal, wedding, Bachelorette, baby, house warming, vow renewal, OVER IT ALL! It just seems to me that people are out to get all they can out of everyone and anyone. But I thought the point in so much of this was that you are just celebrating life or joining life. So, why have to have gifts? why ask for gifts?!?! I mean if you know me or knew me around my twins 1st b-day, you know that I told EVERYONE NOT TO BRING GIFTS! NO GIFTS are necessary, why? Not cause I don't want them or that they wouldn't want them, or that we wouldn't need them, but because it was to Celebrate the Life of Gabe and Zeke that the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY Blessed us with! They are my super heroes! They came into this world early and have risen up and over come! THAT is what I WANTED TO CELEBRATE!!!!! and still to this day NO one really understands that other then my self my husband and my mom! They get why I don't care for presents! Heck Donate it to a local NICU! Donate it to March of dimes!!!
Im just tired of having all this pain inside me.
Me being the friend on the back burner, the one you only call text message fb, im, what ever if your bored down, lonely, sad, or just want to whine. I Do love every one of my friends, but I can NOT keep carrying around this hurt, I can not deal with not speaking out any more. And Each stick, that is a burden that I have held on to, its going into this nest......
I am letting this out cause, well. There are a few i still want to have in my life, and i want to talk to. But, I cant keep up the lies, the fake friendships, the just being polite to get by, the back stabbing, the trying to steal my place, or replace me or make me feel belittled, put down, discourage me, ......This is why, Other than VIP & & VIF As of tomorrow at 2.... am done with Crockett, Done with HoCo. Done with the stagnant water from that area. (even funnier cause this is some of what the preacher at FBCF talked about Sunday morning!)
I light these branches And My Crockett Phoenix is on fire!!!
out of the blaze of flames
I arise, over come, I drink from fresh flowing waters!
Shake off the old ashes!!!
I am free and Reborn!
not only do i do this mentally but spiritually! Being born anew in God is like being a Phoenix! and being down here I feel renewed!!!
And let me say, Being reborn in the Spirit is hard! and....... being born out of these flames are hard! choosing to keep family and friends and letting go of others, its hard!!! hard cause no matter what, some of the ones I cut out I have to deal with by association! or still see or have to be remembered about. even though I would love to just shut the doors and move on completely! You can not always get away from your past, or people from your past, but you can try your hardest to never look back!
So, Now you get what my Phoenix in side is all about! What is your Phoenix? anything YOU need to set afire and leave in the ashes?!?!?!
Forward looking and positive thinking =)
Post Script ;)
Let me add that I have missed out on friendships with Women I Believe are wonderful mothers, wives, and Christian women, whom are in good marriages etc. all because I know of the jealously of the friends we have in common, seems so many can not take their friends being friends, or can only handle being friend with one at a time, or the ones that seem to fit perfectly in their world. not in the times when they don't have time for you kind of situations.