Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Hedges & Weeds
Let me start off with a disclaimer of sorts: I am not judging. I am stating my opinions. I have been married, it was a Godless, loveless, hurtful, harmful, marriage. I call it my scrimmage marriage. Yes I loved him, but not in the way He should of been loved, nor was I loved like I should of been. God was not in our marriage no matter how hard I tried. The biblical passage stating " “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Cor. 6:14, KJV). "
was us to a T
We did not have a foundation that was firm.....
We did not have common goals, or interest...
We were not compatible in any form or fashion..............
I am raised catholic, and even the Catholic Priest stated we were not to have been married (ie i was pardoned from the church and "allowed to be divorced")
I am no longer a part of the Catholic church but I do know that our marriage was not a Christian marriage, and was not a biblical one......... it was not one that GOD wanted to bless with children. IT was not one that blessed neither my self nor my ex.
now. that you know my past my sins my baggage ...........let me move forward............
Today a Friend posted this on Facebook:
"My husband and I have drawn those lines very clearly for our individual and mutual friends of both genders. Men, you do not have a friendship with me without being friends with my husband as well. Women, you do not have a friendship with my husband unless you're my friend too. You don't turn to my husband for your emotional problems, no matter what they are in regards to. You have other people in your life that it is appropriate for you to turn to. Same thing for men with me. We do not text, call, Facebook, tweet, or anything else with people of the opposite sex, and if for some reason we need to or someone reaches out to us, the other one is the FIRST to know it, not the last. We are NEVER in the same room alone with someone of the opposite sex for any reason. And most importantly, people of the opposite sex WILL be both of our friends, or they will not be either of our friends. Anyone of the opposite sex who wants a relationship with you and not your spouse is TROUBLE, no matter what you or anyone else thinks. I don't care who you are, how long you, me, or my husband have known each other or what the nature of the relationship was. Opposite sex relationships outside of your marriage have a very sneaky toxic potential. The right moment should never happen because there should be no allowance for such a moment. If u allow for those moments, you do not value your spouse or your marriage the way you should."
Now, This is something that is very near and dear to my heart! It is something that speaks to me with such might and such power, that I just knew I had to write a blog about this.
Marriage is a sacred gift from God. It is the union of two imperfect people........ who God sees fit for perfection together with His help! With out it, you are still two imperfect people, in an imperfect world with the devil at your door knocking. Tempting. Waiting for you to fall. Waiting for the crack in the door for him to be let in.
Now even with God in your marriage The devil is there. He is trying to harm you and fool you. The devil loves to make you look foolish and unworthy. He is deceptive, and mean, and harmful, rude, unruly, he can disguise him self in any form or fashion!
And in order to try to Keep him out. To keep him far away. To safe guard our marriages there are steps we can take!
Step one: Safe guard your marriage with fences! (or hedges as Jolene Engle says at her blog: The Alabaster Jar Find it here :Putting up hedges )
What I mean when i say this is come to a common ground where you and your spouse think you are safe. Give your self boundaries, Not showing that you do not trust each other because to be married you have to have full trust and faith in your spouse! But I mean boundaries to show to yourself, your spouse, and the world.... the respect you have for each other, your self and your marriage.
Boundaries to me are little things.....
My husband and I, along with the friend and her husband quoted up top, feel that To show respect you must not be alone with a person of the opposite sex. Not that we do not trust our selves, but that we do not want to be put in a situation where we could have our morals or our character compromised. Its not worth risking our integrity, our marriage, to have a friend of the opposite sex. Again the devil can be in disguise. Situations like this can be the devil testing you, your marriage, your strength, your commitment, testing to see if you will go against the will of God for your marriage.
Im not saying you cant have friends that are single or of the opposite sex.. BUT......... its best to be in a group setting when this is happening. safe guarding. That's the phrase that will be used the most here. Safe Guarding!
Now, lets keep talking about singles for a moment........ their goals in life are different than ours. We are married, our goals are to keep a nice home, a happy spouse, a great marriage and to keep God as the center of it all...............
For a single, their goals are to get where they want to go in life, to meet a mate, (or not to) To have kids (with or with out mates or no kids at all) a lot want to advance in their careers, or their educations, (yes some of us married do to) but what if you have a single friend that is envious of what you have? your spouse! What if the lines were crossed? then what? Would you regret not having boundaries?
As for my self. No man will be in my house with out say my family around, be it my mom my brother my sister my friends(girl friends) my HUSBAND. I will not risk feeling stuck. or feeling worried, I do not want to bring shame upon my house or my marriage.
Couple friends, These are great for us! as the married people. We have more of a common ground. whats even better is if our couple friends are Christian like us! and have similar values!
Like lets take for instance a friend of mine....... She and I have known each other for umpteen years! Junior high, High school, her married me single, us both married, us both married with kids........ Shes like an adopted auntie to my Children. She is one of the few I have Felt 100% comfortable with and knowing she could provide for every need of my children one of the few that has watched them.. We had a conversation earlier about how important this is....... the having couple friends, that share the same values, morals, ethics how ever you want to say it. 1, its nice to get together as a group ( i have rarely had the opportunity to partake in her gatherings and that saddens me ) men and women fellow shipping over games movies, what ever, but at the same rate you have a built in bff in the wife of the other couple and your husband has a built in bff in the husband of the other couple. and if you share the same thoughts you know that if the man had a personal problem he would not cross the lines and come to you the wife (of the other couple) but to the husband, for man should rely on his brother, and the same as the wife. you would not want her to come to your husband but to you.......... or even the both of you for comfort or talking. This is a bonus of having couple friends! And......... for example..... Her husband brought me over some goodies one day sent by her, she was a lil tied up to be able to do it her self. now showing respect to her and my husband and our marriages, I stepped out side my house to welcome him, ( I ended up sitting on the porch in a chair while we talked for a moment ) while he stood at the sidewalk to the porch. we had the appropriate amount of space between us and we were technically not alone. trust me the whole world of Crockett could see us *giggles*
And one day while I was packing up to move I was a lil too tied up to go receive boxes from her for she was helping us get ready to move. So, my husband went over to get them, while he was in the garage retrieving them she was standing out side the garage. This has NOTHING to do with not trusting our selves or trusting the man, but respect for our marriages our husband and our friends. What is even more funny, is until today....neither of us Knew the other did this! its just a common courtesy! This made me giggle when we both told our stories about it! Great minds think alike!
Another Great thing about couple friends..... is having mentors!
Couples that have been together many years, though many of what might turn out to be the same kind of situations you might just be facing!
My husband and I are blessed to have friends like this. they have been together over 25 years we share a love for God, A love for our marriages, a love for our kids (even though we are in very different places but she has been in my shoes!) We both adore (my husband and I ) both members of the other couple, and again in sharing the same mutual respect, we too would not be alone with the others mate. My husband tends to linger around her husband and I tend to linger around her, while we are all chasing my kids haha. They are not just friends, but to us they are our mentors, they show us and teach us that all obstacles can be overcome with the help of God and our spouse!
But we have to also stop and look at the world from time to time. If you look at the movies and the tv series, you notice that women disrespect men constantly! and men disrespect woman constantly. I hate to admit it but we learn from those shows! There is a series by another blogger Courtney opposite world She has a whole series on opposite world. Its great!
Back to my thoughts...
In opposite world we are taught so many things, That disrespect is okay.
That marriages are fairy tales...................
That the big huge weddings are what make a marriage last........
or that going into debt for a new house new car new furniture and all that are what will help you start your marriage.
I mean Take My friend KDW Her and her spouse had a small and intimate wedding....... they will be together 10 years in Feb.
MKP has been married 25 years! theirs was a JP wedding......... and it has lasted 25 years!!!!!! Did i say 25 years?!?!?!?!?
Same with my mother, PLM and my father they had a JP wedding and were together 26 years before the passing of my father.
Keith and I had a small gathering of family and friends...... and have only been together 3 years....... married. But we are aspiring to make it to 25, 30, heck 75 if we lived that long!
But when you stop and look at Tv, you see the weddings of the Kardashian's And do you see their marriages lasting?? Did you see Princess Dianna and Price Charles last?
Kim And Kris lasted 72 days.....................
Kid rock and Pam 4 months...........
Brittney and Jason a whooping 2 days............ 55 hours.............
Even the stars......... Hollywood stars. don't realize it takes love, respect, courage, honor, and most importantly.. God!!!
My favorite Poem that I wanted at what I thought would be my big wedding................
Marriage Takes Three
Marriage takes three to be complete;
It’s not enough for two to meet.
They must be united in love
By love’s Creator, God above.
Then their love will be firm and strong;
Able to last when things go wrong,
Because they’ve felt God’s love and know
He’s always there, He’ll never go.
And they have both loved Him in kind
With all the heart and soul and mind
And in that love they’ve found the way
To love each other every day.
A marriage that follows God’s plan
Takes more than a woman and a man.
It needs a oneness that can be
Only from Christ-
Marriage takes three.
By: Beth Stuckwisch
And it does! It takes three! In our marriage it takes God, Keith and I to make it work!
Marriage is hard work, never ending hard work,!!
It takes a strong mind, a whole heart, Lots of diligence, Commitment, compassion, understanding, Talking, lots and lots and lots of good ol communication! If you don't have communication........ you will have lots of fails! and when you fail...... YOU get right back up and talk! and work it out! and make it happen! Marriage does not take 50/50 work! it takes 150 & 150 work and effort!
People brag............ they do it in blogs, they do it on instagram...... they do it on twitter..... and they for sho do it on facebook. Talking all the time about how wonderful how great maybe even how easy............ And I won't lie, I'm sure I am one of those people. But..... Marriage takes work.. Lots of work. You fight, you kiss you make up.. You cry, you fight some more. You constantly pray, you pray for your self, you pray for your spouse, you DEF pray for your marriage. You pray so much some times you do not even know if you have the strength to pray more, or if you even have anything else to pray about. Then, You come together to talk it out, work it out and continue to walk beside each other! Because the family that prays together......stays together!!!!
If someone ever told me they didn't fight with their spouse, I would have to ask if their spouse was imaginary! I mean two imperfect people..... can not....... be perfectly happy 100% of the time. Everything causes stresses! work, kids, money, finances, bills, chores, house, vehicles, yard .... you name it its a stress! But what you do not do......... is just walk away.
Nothing in life is easy........and if everything in life was.... I have to say life would be boring!!!!
One more thing I really want to touch on tonight is............
When I was reading one of those blogs again tonight, I realized, Even though I don't want you all happy happy happy all over facebook being fake... I also do not want to see you bad mouthing your spouse. Its disrespectful! To you , your marriage and to your spouse! And I don't mean you cant ask people for help or prayer when it comes to things that might bother you. But remember You are married to your best friend. You should always be able to talk to your spouse about anything and everything, there should never be a need for secrets! There should never be a need to want to just gripe and complain publicly.
We all need praise......... so if things are not where you want them, instead of just harping on all the wrong. maybe praise the right and look for the good instead of all the bad. make sure you see the light and not all darkness and night. Remove the weeds out of your garden of marriage! let no weeds grow or attack!
Think of God as your weed killer *hehe*
I am sure most of this will just go in one eye and out the other (haha get it? your reading and not listening so it could not be ears!!! Yes I think I am funny at times)
But take to heart, That respect is needed, Boundaries are a great way to safe guard......... life is not all roses, butterflies, fairies and unicorns! But, Every drop of hard work, every drip of sweat.... Will make your marriage grow and be more fruitful! I wish the best to anyone that reads this and I pray your marriage will be strong, united & God filled!!
Love and Blessings,
P.s I must add a thanks to JDB, KDW, MKP & PLM for thoughts, words and being inspirations!