Living off a prayer……….

 

 

Well, Some might think they know me all so well.

Some might imagine or thing I have the most amazing perfect life and Oh how I believe others must envy me………..

Never realizing unless you walk a mile in my shoes you will never understand……………….

So Lets start with the easiest of places to begin.. my  Current and last pregnancy. Baby #3  I can pretty much tell you now things might get a lil TMI and if that’s how you feel don’t like, don’t share or pin or read… and sure don’t comment.

I have been holding in so much its not funny.
Most get beyond excited knowing they are expecting… at first I was…. Then it hit. all the what if’s.

What if I have to be on bed rest???

What if I have to be hospitalized???

What will happen to the twins???

What if I cant cook and take care of them like a mother should be able to??

What happens when I am placed in hospital to birth this baby?

What happens to the twins? where do they sleep? who cares for them? Can I trust others?

Now I know most of you are thinking wow this chick must of lost it.  She is beyond over thinking…

And this is where you become wrong in thinking you know me.

My children have been watched from day one.(well more like day 18(even 27) for those that know the story) BY ME AND ONLY ME. My husband yes when he is home.  He is a great man that I am constantly and ever thankful for.  But He is the provider in our home, so he works and has never fully kept the kids. I have not and nor do I have plans to spend a night away from them. We have not had a baby sitter. And as of now in 19 months……. we have had my mother watch them only every so often so that we can get to the Dr. alone with out them or when they were smaller cause I still pay bills the old fashioned way here in town.

Why have I been this protective you ask?  Well, it didn’t start by choice.  Really it started with people who have good intentions never ever ever following through, Oh I want to watch them and you get a date night. Oh bring them over here any time… Yeah.. and those are the ones your lucky if they were ever home and I do mean EVER! (btw you will learn we will have several run on sentences today and I wont give a crap I have to much going on right now.

So, Being there is never a person to call……. and unless you really have a CPR certification  and lots of time with kids….. Really yes I would probably not let you watch them just because.  My kids are my world and I would do anything in my power to protect them.  Which comes down to yes this Mama knows best when it came to her sons.

Ok. So now that is out of the way……

My last menstrual period would have been March 30th…….

Come April 17th I had a very strong gut feeling………. Hubby didn’t believe me this time… But I knew something was up.  after about 5 at home test….. then waiting another week or two to take more and make extra sure….. We found out I was correct. we were expecting a new bundle(or would it be bundles again) So, this is where the extra worrying comes in. I was already high risk with the twins, then got gestational diabetes…….. and preterm labor starting way early on leading to two rounds of bed rest 13-16 weeks and then again around 22/24 weeks up until the time of delivery at 34 weeks 5 days which there was no stopping………….

Side note… I hate whiners……… which is why I have kept to my self so much about what has really been going on.
Have not let many people know the full story………….

Since our first appointments we have found out we are only expecting one joyful bundle this time. I kept saying it would be a boy, everyone else said it would be a girl…… I look like I will be right =) I believe we found this out end of July early August It’s a boy!
And his name shall be Daniel…….. We have been stuck forever on a middle name and finally have come up with it. Reasoning for that and the reveling of it will come at the end of this blog.

Well, From the get go I asked them to test my sugars, I was sure something was off. And sure enough, The gestational stuck around from the twins and now, I have full blown diabetes……
we started with trying to eat right, lots of research and seeing a dietician (which I don’t really recommend.)

From there we have now realized things are not going as well as they should.  On 9-10 The NP and I discussed it and decided it is best for me to take care of my self and Daniel by going on Insulin……  So, 70/30 insulin, syringes, alcohol preps, sharps container, my already new glucometer, strips, ouchie poker thingy…. were all becoming as much a part of my life as breathing.  This sent me in a downward spiral of depression. MAJOR. I cried non stop from the moment we agreed it was best for Daniel. From Monday through Friday When I could finally get in to see the diabetes educator To show me how to use the stuff, I cried. finally felt more comfortable after that. Been feeling ok giving my self the shots and stuff. Then come 9-24…. I had another appt, admitted I felt things were off and I was not sure what it was. My body had gained over 10 lbs in 2 weeks. and it was NOT from my eating I was puffy and felt funky, told her watch I had so many other issues with the twins watch me get preeclampsia this go round. So we did A1c, Iron, urine(which is done every visit at my dr) and then…. decided on  a 24 hr urine test…. which then meant I was going to have to give blood at the lab, then get the urine jug and then head home start the following morning and return it on Wednesday……. Oh this sounds fun right?!?! Ive been a nervous wreck.

So, Called to check on things today, And, Im now such high risk with just one baby (yes this annoys me to a point) that I can no longer been seen by my wonderful drs at this clinic…… I am being sent to another clinic in another town.
So for all those that whine… Oh I hurt, Oh the pain, Oh what if something happens, Oh this and oh that…… BITE THE HECK OUT OF ME!!!!!!! I have had nicu X2 babies already……… That is forever life changing………. and yes I will piss ppl off this this part im sure, But….  a miscarriage yeah it hurts, not as bad a losing a baby when you know you have to bury them. and sure as heck not when you go full term and have a still born……… I know all things are different for everyone……. But Then you think about all I went through with the twins, then having to have the nicu experience…….  and never knowing if I would see them the next time I could get there or not knowing if the phone would ring and I would hear Mrs.Mahanay…… WE are sad to tell you…………..

And now…….. To know that From last week I was informed that yes…… WE will not have to schedule a csection for Daniel…… NO need in my worrying if they would let me birth him at 38 weeks due to the diabetes and all…….. No point in looking at dates because Honestly, hes going to just come when he wants to like the twins did. ….. That’s hard as HELL!!!!!  Hard as hell to think about to accept, to know….. Im only 26 weeks…… well by my standards. 2 weeks til I feel a lil more comfortable……… 10 weeks and I would be happy as heck!! but what I would really want is him to come after the 21st…… that’s 38 weeks…….. but I cant lie, Part of me prays for it but part of me knows that wont happen. and I hate when my gut knows!!!

I knew I wasn’t strong when we went through the first NICU experience……….. and sure wasn’t when we went through the second……… But There is no way do I really believe that Keith nor my self…….. as a couple or as single parents can deal with a third. Praying hard and long all the days so that it might not happen……..  but Im scared. Im scared of all of this. Oh and just so you know I did find out why I cant see my drs and np’s any more and have to chance clinics…… im not just high risk any more im beyond that …….  the A1C lowered and is a tad bit better…. but its the proteins and the creatinine’s that are in my urine that are causing big huge problems. in short  lets say the left side  in the following numbers is where I should be but the right side is where I really am at…..

 

84                           139

150                         300

75-115                     198

 

and in a diabetic these are functions you need under control. lets just say that. and no need to go into which is what and why but…… yeah. these are usually not good sings for your kidneys…….. which I would love to keep …………………….

So now you know the rest of the story. Why I do not let so much out on face book and I really truly keep to my self. I don’t need judges……… or people who want to share their stores (per say unless this was your situation idc.)…… I don’t want to hear other peoples whining. or stories or complaints…… who cares why what is going on… I have my self. a husband twins who need me here(and not in a grave) and a baby I'm trying to get to grow right….. and strong……. and healthy……

So If I don’t post much…… or what I do post is something uplifting and inspirational picture wise…….. YOU NOW KNOW WHY. I feel if I need it then maybe just maybe someone else does too.
Now……… I know that God has so many reasons for us to have been going through what we have been.  Reasons beyond our brains can think or handle more than likely. Reasons why a dear friends husband passed away from cancer…… and fought a long and hard battle all the way til the end……… He had a reason. He was a Reason for her to live……. He was a person who showed dedication in all he did. Great husband, great father Great son, Great provider……… hard worker. etc……….
And looking at all I am going through to get Daniel here……. We realized after asking permission…… That….. There is a Reason……… Lots of reasons I should use the name that came to my mind when we finally came to a conclusion on why we need a middle name and how it needs to have a LOT of meaning……….

Our soon to be addition will be named…………….
Daniel Reason Mahanay

Prayers for a healthy remainder in the pregnancy…… and for him to please not show his beautiful lil face until AT LEAST Dec 7th…… would be much appreciated….. VERY MUCH appreciated.

Love from us all and thanks for letting me vent.
J,K, E,G & Baby D.

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New Years Resolution….. Or Life resolution?

Here we are in a new year which we all welcome with open arms for all different reasons. Some are glad to see the last year end.  Some are excited to see the new year begin and to see what will unfold for them in their lives.  Some Like to start the year off fresh with new thoughts, new plans, or an almost new life.  We make resolutions, To lose weight, To eat healthy, To better our selves or our lives in some way or another.
But, Why do we do this every year?
First, lets look at the word.
Resolution: Mariam Webster defines this word in several manners but if we stop and look at 3a we see that this is more than likely what we are all doing when we make a resolution. it states:
a : something that is resolved <made a resolution to mend my ways>
Now again lets look at my first question.
Why do we do this every year?
Seems to me, if we are making the same resolution every year, we are not mending our ways.
some would think 365 days would be an easy time frame to start mending our ways.  Research shows that if you do something for 30 days that it them becomes a habit.
But most fail even before the end of January to stick to their resolution. And reading up on some sites it shows that its for one main reason normally.  That reason is That we are trying to quit a habit, with out starting a new goal or habit. Those that want to quit smoking or quit drinking don’t try to replace it with something like running a marathon. 
So, My thoughts are, my Resolution, wont be for the new year. I want a life resolution.
I need life changes not year changes.

So, I figure I need to change things in my life. Yupp, that’s is what I figure.  So, Lets say I resolve to be, a better child of God.  I want to be more involved in the happenings of our church. Yes, this will be a struggle with the boys, But it can be done!! why? Because I have a wonderful loving supportive Church family!
I want so resolve to be a better wife. Why? Because I am sure that husbands do not need constant nagging, which I think most of us do most the time. I want to be more supportive, more loving, more understanding.  I want to think before I speak more. I want to have more sweet and tender moments, the ones that happen out of no where, but that show how much you love and care. 
I want to be a better mother and step mother( ew wicked word LOL) I want to be loving and kind and supportive to the children. I want to be a friend when I can and a mother when I need to be. I want to be a cheerleader for them, and a woman of God who can show them that you can have fun, you can be your self with out dishonoring God and family.  That you don’t need drinking smoking or partying to have that fun!
I resolve to be a better sister, daughter and aunt.
I want my brother and sister(in love) to know that I will always love them, That I am here to support them or help them in any way possible!
I want my niece to know I can be the coolest auntie ever! That she can talk to me call me text me when ever she wants, that I will also be a cheerleader for her. That I love her every day and always have and always will.
As goes for my mom, I want her to also know and feel the same things That I will support her and love her no matter what. I want her to look at the woman I am, the woman I am becoming and the mother I am and I am becoming and feel proud. And feel that she did a good job raising me, because I feel that way and I feel so honored to be her child and to have had such a great person in my life as a role model.

And yes I resolve to give my self pep talks, to try to find ways to become more active, and to lost this baby weight I gained during pregnancy. I want to be a healthy happy and active person, wife and mother. I do not want to sit on the side lines and not be able to participate in activities and games with the kids. This means eating healthier too, so that the boys for sure learn how to eat, and how much to eat. I do not want to be a bad role model.
I also resolve to continually work on being a more patient  person.  I don’t want to get aggregated as easily as I use to. I resolve to always ask God to help me be more patient more calm, more even killed and level headed. I want to be a person that is a real friend, a true person, that who you see out in Wal-Mart (ok not looks wise cause I always look bad!) and who you see at church, and who you see at home are all the same person. I do not want to be fake. I can not stand fake. I resolve to stand firm on my beliefs and my thoughts. I resolve to be honest and forth coming. Why keep thoughts to your self? why not be honest? When it really is called for? And no I don’t mean I am giving my self the right to be mean. But, why lie even a white lie to anyone? If I don’t feel like leaving the house, I will say I just don’t feel like going any where today. If I don’t feel like having company I will just say Can we plan for another day? I just don’t feel up to it today. 
I know I am rambling but this has just been on my mind.
I want to find a reason every day to Praise God, Whether its small or big. I want to find a reason.
And speaking of that I resolve to find a reason and Blog even if its just one line, about it every day. And I do resolve to blog more too. I want to stop and look back one day and see how much I have grown Even if its just from my blogging.
So to end this Blog, I will Note what I am grateful for from yesterday and I will wait to state what I am for today til tonight.

For Jan 1st 2012:
Dear Father God,

I praise you For bringing Calm into the midst of this storm.  You gave me a chance to speak my mind in weeks past. I spoke as much as needed to be heard by who it was heard by.  And from this I have a little more calm in our life here at the Mahanay House.  From this You blessed us by Letting Keith and I see his daughters.  Seeing Sarah see the twins, her brothers, for the first time was priceless. How much they liked her from the first look at her made my heart so happy and so full of joy. On this day, I stopped and thought about how far we have come since Jan 1, 2011. WE have twin sons who are perfect And amazing blessings That you gave us! I will forever be grateful for this. I can see glances of my father, and other family members in the way they do things. Which makes me think I have a piece of those whom I miss right here on earth and in my arms. Today My husband Got to see his oldest Sarah again. And we have a chance at having things change so that we can see her more! And I am so blessed for this!  For you opening a door, so that we can all see her and she can get to know her brothers. Thanks you Father for this. I already feel so blessed here in 2012  and its just been a day and a half! Lord, I will continue to praise you more, and work on honoring you in all of my ways. I thank you for every day that you let me wake up and Breathe in the new day!

In YOUR grace,

Your child,

Jessica

World Prematurity Day // Bloggers Unite

World Prematurity Day // Bloggers Unite

Worry free Zone………..

Do You always worry?  Worry about not having enough time?  About not spending enough time with the kids?  Or with the husband?  Are you a constant Non stop worrier?  Say From the moment your eyes pop Open in the morning Till the moment you lay your head down on the pillow?  Nothing but constant worries?

 

I Have decided that today, I have a worry free room.  A place that even with family, friends, My Boys……… That will always be worry free. Why?

Because, You really just cant worry when your having fun in the kitchen.

As I was cooking dinner with the Husband tonight.  I realized what a stress reliever it is even cooking with him. Your hands get messy, The aromas in the air are so therapeutic.   It to me is really a never ending joy in the kitchen.  What's the point in always stressing?  And why worry about well its quicker to get fast food.  Or easier to just to sit at a restaurant!  Than to think of the family time you get! One, at the family dinner table. But, Two, is while your in the kitchen together cooking and enjoying the great company!

I know that even at almost 8 months old, Gabriel and Ezekiel Love being in the kitchen with mommy!  They love to watch and of course LOVE to eat!  So, why not start out early teaching then the right things?

Let’s teach our children how to cook, and rely on their selves and not on restaurants and fast food chains. Which I will forever stand on my words and thoughts saying that is helping the obesity epidemic.

When I was growing up, my mother always cooked. We would 3 square meals a day and a snack or dessert occasionally.  Nothing to it.  There wasn’t this I’ll grab doughnuts on the way to drop you off at school.  Or the whole Oh well, I guess its cereal for breakfast.  Oh hey honey your hungry after school?  Well, let me just fill  you up with tons of nutrition and feed you some McDonalds.  For my Family Pizza was a once a month treat.  Yes you heard right, ONCE a MONTH!  We rarely went out to a restaurant to eat.  But why would we? My mother could cook, Italian, Mexican, Pilipino, German, Irish, You name it we could eat it.

 

Oh and Now I bet your having the oh well what about special occasions?  What if you wanted to eat out for your birthday…… Well, I have to say I could name what ever meal or course I wanted for a birthday and we could celebrate it at home.  Yes a real shocker. A birthday at home with family. I remember being 12 years old and I told her I would love some crab and lobster for my birthday.  And that is exactly what I got for my birthday dinner.  Who could really ask for more? What more do you need in life than the simple worry free things?

I truly think, That a lot of us would be so much happier if we went back to simpler things.  And believe it or not it was much more worry free back then.  And not just for me being a child, But for the parents and Grand parents.  What person things its so right to spend $200-300 per kid per birthday?  And we wonder why we have struggling parents? Struggling families? Families with so much stress and worry?

Not Having it!!

These boys will be raised Knowing the true value of money. Knowing that Money also does not grow on trees. That if you work hard for something, that you will feel so pleased when you finally get it.  The right way. No stealing, no thieving. Nothing of that sort.

Which brings me to a new report I saw on Television the other night. They were reporting the percentages of kids who will end up smoking, or doing drugs or doing alcohol before the ages set for the legal ones. And it all comes down to…………………..Eating together as a family and how often you do that.

Now we know I have two sons, and the chances in the future of a soccer game here, a foot ball game there, maybe some tennis or piano lessons thrown in on another day/night is actually very high.  But the chances of my letting them miss a family dinner?  Slim to none!  This is the place that a family can take time away from the television, away from the video games even away from books or school work. And you might enjoy the outcome of this.  The actual conversations that start with your children. Wouldn’t that be nice? And we also wonder how so many couples lose touch with each other? HELLO!?!?!?! Eat an actual meal together.

But I say still put in the little more added effort of getting everyone in the kitchen to cook! Set up prepping stations.  Have someone chop the salad ingredients, and someone boil the water, and another stirring up some sweet concoction.

Tonight for us, TO me, Set the mood, I had the chicken chopped and put in the broth waiting for it to boil. and Keith was mixing up the ingredients for the dumplings, which I had already set out on the counter. And what happened during this time?

We had playful witty banter, we kissed and talked and enjoyed the simplicity of the moment. Which lead to a nice home cooked meal we could eat with the twins. Next we bathed them and laid them down to the bed. After that we had a few moments sitting out side listening to the rain in the still of the dark night. And even attempted to watch a movie (which was a total dud). Now I am all rested feeling and totally relaxed. Ready to curl up chat for a bit and hit the sack.  No stress what so ever! No worries! What a blessing from the Lord tonight.  to open my eyes and let me realize this is what life is all about. And this is what can make us all in this house hold happy!

I know I am starting to ramble on but do just this for me.

Make some chicken and dumplings for you and your family.

Start with boiling chicken,

then remove it and chop it up.

skim the broth and remove the fats.

add the chicken back in, bring it to a boil………….. and use drop dumplings, or freezer dumplings or even biscuits. But do it as a family!!! In the end its much more than just food.  It’s a heart warming family meal and it will be so much more pleasurable to eat than any foods you have eaten before!

Well, Headed to bed at this very amazing moment.
Good night to you all and Blessings to each of you also.

In HIS Grace,
Jessica

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Possums, Armadillos and Coons OH MY!

On days like today, I realize why I have always said I am a city girl. Nothing Country about me!

Well, I guess there is the fact that I love boots and western clothes……… Which by the way have come a LONG way over the years of my life.  But, its bad….. And very sad when Your husband, The one raised in The city of Houston his whole life, Is more country than you!

Now, I was born in Houston, and have always had a love of smog, traffic, shopping, malls, museums, night life, and you get the point there.  We went down almost every weekend growing up, and for certain every holiday. It was always where I swore I would of ended up living.

But, Instead I am here.  In the small city of Crockett.  The city that seems to always suck you back in no matter how hard, how much or how often you try to get away.  And it is here, that since I have been with my sweet husband Keith, That I have seen and been closer to the following;

Possums,

Raccoons,

Snakes,

and the never live down how I responded on face book…………….

Armadillos.

And I promise in my now 29 years of life, I was never ever this close to any of those until meeting and Marrying Keith.

How can this be? I have lived here in this town for about 26 years.  Is it that I moved on the opposite side of town? Is it Karma for marrying Keith? BAW HA HA. I know that’s silly but I really do wonder at times. Now would I hunt something on my own free will?  Oh yes I think I might try.  I can shoot a gun. Well that was also at a non moving target. But I was very precise in my actions with it. Perfect aim, And that was the first, last, and Only time I have ever pointed to shoot a gun!

Now Looking back at the Armadillos, Which for those of you who don’t know, If it’s a state animal of any sort, it is then forbidden to kill. Illegal even! But These critters keep coming to my porch, on my property. They were a lil family, Which Thanks be to God, had an untimely Death, Seems it was totally 100% of natural causes!  But for many days and Nights I couldn’t, wouldn’t, leave the house.  How can I bring up two amazing little boys when I am scared of such critters?

 

This is when I realize that I am very grateful for the husband that I have and that he is here to raise these children with me.  For if he wasn’t? I’m very afraid we would have some very sissified mommas boys here.

 

I know I might be rambling a bit, But my hands are still shaky from the thoughts of the Coon, who I know is sitting there in that tree still. Waiting. JUST WAITING………………. probably to get my pumpkins………….  Which just adds to the terror of thinking and knowing I will have nightmares after tonight.

Well, Its getting late and This Twinkie Mami, has a huge garage sale she is starting, tomorrow morning. Which I have been preparing for mentally and physically for about 4 weeks now.

Thought for the night…………………….

If you were to teach your children 5 things in life……….. Just 5……….. That they remember and live by forever. What would they be. (5 for the reason that its October 5th still and its kind of  nice number)

Sweet dreams to you all. And God bless!

In His Wonderful Grace,

Jessa